Mother of Life, Mother of Loss

No More Promises

2010-12-28T23:16:00.000-05:00

I make no promises to ever update this blog again. Maybe I should actually swear that I will NEVER update again. Since I usually turn myself into a liar, that might actually cause some kind of amazing posting binge.

Here is a quick update.

I am now 23 weeks pregnant with a little girl we plan to name Mary Alice. I didn't cry this time when the cerclage was placed.

Bella is growing like a weed. She is now 11 months old. I hope one day she forgives me for the lack of information updated in her baby book! It seems like life is crazy. I feel so guilty for not getting more documented and more pictures taken. Now we're having another one and I wonder where I'll find the time. I might have to hire a sitter once a week just to update baby books and parent logs!

Jamie is doing better in school. He's finally reading some. We finished a speech evaluation today and his speech is actually fine. Now we're finally going to go to an audiologist. He starts physical therapy and occupational therapy next week.

Still Pregnant

2010-09-14T12:37:00.000-04:00

Well, my hcg levels are still rising, but kind of slowly. They were 37 thousand something on Monday. They've scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday. I'm sick from the progesterone. I'm taking Zofran in an attempt to keep the severe nausea at bay, but it's not working as well as it should. I just want to lay in bed on my stomach. Too bad Bella has other plans.

What's wrong with Jamie?

2010-09-11T12:26:00.000-04:00

"What's wrong with him?" It's a question I get all the time. The less bold among us ask my friends and even Jamie's playmates. There are still plenty that ask me. I usually spill something about Sensory Processing Disorder and how for a long time we thought he might be on the Autism Spectrum, but that he's not. Curious people seem to be satisfied by my response, but I'm not. I don't see what they see. I want to grab these people by the shoulders and demand answers. "Why, what did you see?" I don't see it. I see my little boy running around at the playground or in the fast food playland like all the other kids. I see him doing all the things the other little boys are doing. My own brother asked my friend if Jamie is "retarded". The answer is a resounding, "NO!" Here is an excerpt from the testing Jamie had at the end of last year...

Results of the DAS-II indicate that Jamie is functioning in the above average range of intelligence with a DAS General Conceptual Ability (GCA) score of 113. The DAS-II is comprised of 3 clusters of skills. Jamie's Verbal Cluster standard score of 113 was above average as was his Nonverbal Reasoning standard score of 112. His Spatial score of 103 was average. On the DAS-II Diagnostic subtests, Jamie's Working memory standard score of 109 was average and his Processing Speed standard score of 122 was well above average.

Jamie's Phonological Processing T-Score of 40 was in the below average range, however. This score is equivalent to a standard score of 85. Phonological Processing involves skills that underlie early reading decoding abilities. It refers to the ability to take apart words into their individual sounds. It involves rhyming, blending, deletion, and phoneme identification and segmentation. With regard to reading decoding, Jamie's teacher reported that he relies heavily on his knowledge of sight words. She said he does pretty well with letter sounds, but if he is not completely sure he knows a sight word, he makes a wild guess. For example, he will look at the word "is" and say "truck wheels." She indicated that he was slightly behind where she would like him to be. I did not test his reading skills for this evaluation, as insurance does not cover it. Jamie appears to be at risk for learning disability in basic reading skills. His below average Phonological Processing is significantly lower than his above average intelligence.

But none of this explains what they are seeing. Maybe the next time someone asks me I will ask them to have a seat and chat with me for a little while.

Here I Am Again

2010-09-11T11:15:00.001-04:00

Here I am again on my completely neglected blog. A little over a year ago this blog was really important to me. I got up in the morning or even in the middle of the night. I made sure I posted the little things in our lives so that I could preserve them for posterity. What has taken away my ability to blog away the serious and the mundane? I've posted no sweet stories of Bella and Jamie getting to know each other. This process has been slow, yet so rewarding to me as a parent. I've missed documenting Jamie's first day of school and the huge changes that are taking place with him, and in him this year. I've posted no cute little kidisms, first smiles, first teeth, soccer losses or victories. I could blame it on the hectic life of now having two children, but that's not it. Most bloggers have a hectic life. It seems to me that the more hectic ones life become the more interesting their blogs usually get. Documenting my life, or more accurately, my children's life is no less important to me, yet I don't get it done. Now all the little things I might have posted when they happened are lost in the recesses of my memory, some to be recalled at a later date and some lost forever.

Bella is now seven months old and quite the cutie. Right now she and my son are in the next room. I'd say they were watching TV together, but that's not what is going on. Jamie's singing to her and, I can imagine, jumping up in her face and yelling to make her smile. Bella starts to fuss and Jamie goes back to singing, "Goo, goo, ga, gaaaa. Booo! Goo, goo, ga, gaaaaa. Boooo!!" She fusses again and I hear the spitting match begin. "Bella, look here. Bella." The sound of a raspberry spit, followed by another and another. A few months ago I didn't think he would ever talk to her, much less play with her.

I am grateful that he is distracting her. I want a few moments to myself. It's been a long week and the coming week shows no signs of being better. I ended August with a positive pregnancy test. I stared at the test in disbelief. I didn't even know how to react. A million things ran through my head. I just got over all the illness that comes with giving birth. I'm not ready for pancreatitis again. I'm not ready for possible bed rest. I'm room mom this year! I've been waiting forever to do this. Did I mention that Bella is only seven months old?!! I come out of the bathroom with my test. My husband smiles. He's so happy and I don't know what I am. We wanted a big family and thought it was impossible. Now look at us. Yet, I am not smiling.

I wanted to see the baby right away, but couldn't get into the doctor for a couple of weeks. I go to the ER. All they see is a sac. They don't see a fetal pole. My hcg level is 7000. I should be six weeks two days according to my last menstrual cycle. Bella was a couple of weeks off by my menstrual cycle when I found out about her and her twin last year, though. I went in to my OB on the 7TH for bloodwork. My progesterone was 14 and my hcg level was 21,336.3. My OB started me on progesterone. I went back on the 9TH and my progesterone was 21 and my hcg level was 24,444.6. I go back on Monday to have it done again. I know what those numbers mean, but despite all my conflicting emotions, I want to have this baby so I try to pretend it could be okay. I'll beg for an ultrasound soon so that we can quit dragging this out. I should be seven weeks five days today. Even if I was off by two weeks they should be able to see a heartbeat next week if this pregnancy is viable.

Clean Out the Cabinet Soup

2010-05-07T08:43:00.000-04:00

I woke up with a horrid cold yesterday. By 9:00am I had a fever of 103. I knew I wanted some nice hot soup to break up the congestion. I searched my cabinets for stuff to make a nice hot soup with. I threw a variety of canned goods into my crock pot and it turned out fabulous.

2 cans of butter beans
1 can of diced tomatoes
1 can of tomato sauce
1 can of mixed vegetables
2 cans of white chicken meat (my husband bought it)
1 chopped onion
1/2 cup of hot salsa
oregano
red pepper
black pepper
chili powder
garlic

Well, my guys won't eat soup with veggies in it so the soup is all mine. I'm still feeling yuck this morning so I'm having soup for breakfast. I have plenty to freeze, too.

Skittles

2010-05-07T08:11:00.000-04:00

We were on our way home and Bella just would not stop crying. Jamie was whining about the noise while eating the skittles we had shamefully bribed him with moments early at the store. I asked him what he thought she was crying for. He said, "Maybe she wants skittles."

First Night in the Crib

2010-05-06T05:50:00.000-04:00

Bella slept in her own room for the first time last night. I had never even taken her in the room, much less left her alone in there before now. She slept really well. She woke up around 4:30 this morning for a bottle. After eating she went right back to sleep and I put her back in her crib. It seems a little strange for her to be in there. She looks so small in her crib! She's three months old, though, and it's definately time for the transition. I put the Sleep Nest on craigslist and it will probably be gone today. **sniff**

This Is Gabriel Making Sense of School by Hartley Steiner

2010-05-06T05:43:00.000-04:00

This isn't a book for Jamie, exactly. This is a super simple overview of sensory processing disorder. I was referred by a friend to Beach Brights Blog where I entered to win this book. The blog author was so passionate about this book that she ended up sending it to everyone who commented, including myself. I can see where the enthusiasm lies. The breakdown explaining the child's responses to the world around him are simple and so understandable. The book is based on the authors own child. She has her own blog at Hartley's Life With 3 Boys.

Bella's Belly

2010-04-26T09:24:00.001-04:00

My Bella must be the gassiest baby on the planet. I have to give her gas drops with every feeding. At least Jamie is amused by her constant "farting". She spits up all the time. I get her all dressed up and barely buttoned up when she spits up all over. I must change her clothes at least a dozen times a day. I talked to her pediatrician about it and he didn't seem too concerned. She's gaining weight.

This weekend we learned one thing that really makes her feel better. A nice warm rice sock. My friend's little girl has "one of those tummies" and when her belly hurts she wants a warm rice sock. My friend decided to warm Bella up one, too, to see if it would help her. The moment that rice sock hits her belly and she has a binky i her mouth she goes right to sleep. It's really precious. Now Bella has a purple rice sock of her very own and I am so glad to have it!

Race Cans

2010-04-25T22:18:00.004-04:00

I spent the weekend with my good friend and her children. Bless her for loving Jamie despite his quirks, mess, and the general chaos he can bring to a home. This weekend he convinced her son to "race" cans of sprite in the kitchen. One of them had a pretty harrowing crash and sprayed everywhere. So the solution to the problem was, apparently, to take a medicine dropper and shove it into the side of the can.

Bella's Story

2010-04-21T10:24:00.009-04:00

Matthew and I had given up being able to have another baby. We could not afford to have any more expensive fertility treatments and our son was five years old. It was difficult for me to accept that I would only have one child. I always wanted a large family.

I had started dieting. Low Carb dieting works well for me since I am diabetic. I made the decision that I wanted to be healthy. I didn't want to be overweight anymore. I started walking, too. The weight was dropping off really fast. I had this dress I was trying to in as a goal. I just couldn't get in that dress. I could finally get it zipped, but it was just too snug. I wouldn't need to lose much more, though. Or so I thought.

On June 13, 2009, I talked to a friend on facebook. We were both lamenting over our inability to have more children. Little did I know that as I cried inside me a miracle had happened.

The next day, Matt called me before he left work. He wanted to know if I wanted him to bring anything on the way home. I had been fighting the urge to buy a pregnancy test. I am a pregnancy test addict. I've wasted tons of money on tests. With my irregular and often nonexistent periods, it was hard to resist sometimes. I couldn't fight the urge anymore, "If they have any of those dollar pregnancy tests, bring me one home." Matt knew the drill. There was no excitement. It was an exercise in futility that we had practiced many times before.

When Matt got home I took the little test to the bathroom. Immediately there were two lines. They were dark, too. I just knew it had to be a mistake. It was a cheap test. I sent Matt to the store for another one. My heart was beating so fast and it hurt. My mind raced, "It was the weekend. I would have to wait until Monday to go to the doctor. I would miscarry by then. Which doctor should I call? Would Dr. McCauley give me an ultrasound immediately? How far along am I? I needed a cerclage. I needed progesterone."

Matt finally came back with the second test. It was positive, too. One line was faint. Faint was bad. Faint could mean dropping HCG levels. Later I realized that the faint line was not the one that picked up hcg in the urine. The really dark line was!

The weekend just dragged. I waited to start bleeding. I didn't. Finally Monday came. I called my OB's office as soon as it opened. The appointment was strange. I set off early because I am notorious for getting myself lost. I did actually get a little lost, but quickly found an alternate route without setting myself back too much and without any panic.

I had convinced myself over the course of my restless night that this was an ectopic pregnancy. I'm having some sharp pains and in my world an ectopic pregnancy would be the worst case scenario. I could imagine seeing a beautiful little heartbeat and discovering it was located in a tube and would have to be removed. I'd have to kill my living little baby. I couldn't imagine anything worse. To say that I was pessimistic about the outcome of my appointment would be an understatement.

We got to my appointment about half an hour early, but that ended up being a good thing since both the kids and I had to use the restroom by the time we arrived. I was called back almost as soon as I completed the paperwork to update my file. I was taken straight back to the ultrasound room. They didn't want me to take the kids in under the circumstances and I reluctantly left them in the waiting room.

The tech inserted the wand and immediately a sac came into view. A immediately saw the flicker on the screen. It registered in my head before I heard the words, "There's a heartbeat." I'm not sure what I said, something small and ineffectual like, "Oh, good." I didn't respond at all like I thought I would. I didn't cry. To be honest, I felt kind of numb. Don't get me wrong. I was happy, but I didn't have the outpouring of emotions that I expected.

The tech started exploring, searching for the areas that caused me pain. The baby came in and out of view. She took repeated measurements. I watched on the large flat screen in front of me. She turned on the sound and the heartbeat was measured. I listened to the rapid beating of my baby's heart. She stopped and moved around, then turned it on again. Again I listed to the rapid beating heart. When she was done she told me to relax a few minutes while she went to see if the doctor wanted to see me in the ultrasound room or if he would like for me to go on in to another room. I lie there, just kind of blank. I stared at the still image on the screen in front of me.

She came back in and said that he would see me in an examination room, but she wanted to talk to me about the findings before I went out. "There are two." She explained that she didn't want to show me during the ultrasound because one was much smaller than the other, but that they both had heartbeats. I didn't respond at all. She showed me the ultrasounds and explained what I was seeing. Baby A was smaller and didn't have much fluid in his/her sac. Baby B looked great. There is no way to predict what will happen. I might miscarry Baby A or he/she might absorbed (become a vanishing twin). I might go back next time and find that they are both fine.

No tears. No reaction. I stared blankly as she spoke. I can't even remember if I was thinking anything. I just nodded in recognition of her words.

"There's also a fibroid tumor. That may be what's causing your pain." Fibroid. I know what that is. Generally harmless. Check. She might have said more. I don't know. She popped her head out the door, "Do we have a room ready for Laura?" No. I was sent back to the waiting room. Two sets of eyes met me. Dynisha, who knew what was going on, looked at me expectantly. I smiled at her and sat down. I showed her the pictures the tech had picked out to give me. "This is one baby and this tiny spot here is the other baby." Dynisha squealed, "Twins! There are two?!!" Suddenly I noticed that the waiting room was full and all eyes were on us. Smiles passed around the room. "Shh, calm down. I don't want you to get too excited," I told her, "Baby A is very small and might not make it. We'll have to wait and see." At this point Jamie's attention was drawn. "This is your baby brother or sister." I told him. "I don't like boys," he said, "I love sisters." He examined the pictures, trying to figure out where the baby was. I told him the baby was in my tummy like when Hayden was in Aunt Rachel's tummy. He got that and then was disinterested and went back to playing.

Dynisha continued to babble on excitedly until they called me into the back. This time I took the kids with me. Dr. McCauley came in. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again." I told him. He smiled. We chatted briefly about Jamie and Matt and my friend Geri, who was his patient as well during her pregnancies. He told me everything looked good. He did a small internal exam, still trying to ascertain the source of my pain. We're still unsure.

He started to say that Baby A was smaller. I finished his sentence for him. "It might not make it." I finished it wrong. He said something about it possibly catching up by my next visit. He said something about me not being so frightened. I had problems in the past, but I had two heartbeats. He sounded like he wasn't worried at all about Baby A. I said, "I'm cautiously optimistic."

Prenatal vitamins, a dozen vials of blood, results in the morning, cerclage at twelve weeks... the rest is a blur.

I checked out. My next appointment was set for July 2ND. I recognized the nurse behind the counter. I have a picture of her hold Jamie just weeks after he was born. Everything was so surreal.

We all had to take a restroom break again. I tried to decide how to tell Matt. He was anxiously awaiting my call. I had promised to call as soon as I knew anything. I wanted to tell him immediately. It was almost an hour drive to get home. That would be a long time for him to wait to hear something. But twins. How could I give him this news over the phone? I couldn't. I wanted to show him the ultrasound picture. I thought about how to tell him on the drive home. I thought of some cute things to say, but when I finally arrived I blanked. He looked terrified when he saw me. I felt the blank expression that was still on my face. I probably looked sad. He would expect me to be smiling and jumping for joy if there was a heartbeat. He rushed out the office door to greet me. "There's a heartbeat." I said, handing him the ultrasound pictures. Relief washed over his face. "Actually, there are two heartbeats." I told him. His eyes got big. I pointed out the babies and explained the situation with Baby A. Matt was so excited he barely registered the customer that was in his lobby. He stared at the pictures in dazed amazement. Soon he was bragging to the customer about his twins and showing her the ultrasound. As soon as she was out the door he called his mother. Dynisha was upset because she wanted to tell their mother. Matt told her, "Too bad. She's my mother, too, and I want to tell her." Then he started compiling his mental list of who to call. Even with my history we just couldn't wait to tell people.

I was on pins and needles all week. I had forgotten to ask what the babies heart rates were and called to see. Baby A's heart rate was 115 and Baby B's heart rate was 121. Monday my hcg was 30,938 and my progesterone was 20.1. Thursday my hcg was 38,284 and my progesterone was 22.6. Friday my hcg was 43,143.20 and my progesterone was 29.6. My progesterone levels looks good, but I knew my hcg levels were not going up the way they should. I prayed and begged God for a miracle. I wanted both of my babies, but I knew in my heart that it was over. Monday, June 22, 2009 my fears were confirmed. Baby A was still there, but had no heart beat. My heart was broken even though I really knew from the beginning that Baby A was just to small.

The months that followed were hard, especially the first several weeks after finding out Baby A had passed. I waited to lose my other baby. I mourned the loss of the twin. Jamie was sad, too. He asked me a million questions that I didn't know how to answer. He wanted to know why the baby died and who killed it. He wanted to see it. He thought the doctor could give it a shot after it came out and make it better.

Jamie quickly decided that the deceased baby was a boy and the living baby was a girl. He had his heart set on a sister. I wondered if it would make things even harder for him if the baby turned out to be a boy. I tried to explain that it could be a boy, but he would say, matter of factly, "Mommy, it's just a sister." My niece, McKalah, was sure, too. She wanted me to name the baby Bella. We thought that was a really pretty name and found ourselves referring to the baby as Bella.

Jamie's Birthday fell around the time that my preventative cercalge needed to be scheduled. I decided to wait until after his birthday party to have the cerclage placed. I was afraid something would go wrong. I didn't want to be sad for his birthday if something went wrong.

I had the cerclage placed on August 5TH. I went in at 5:30am. My nerves were completely shot. I felt like I might throw up. I had asked my OB ahead of time to give me antibiotics following the procedure but he refused. I cried about it the night before. I was frightened of infection. I was determined to talk my OB into giving them to me.

The first couple of hours were spent getting changed into a gown, getting an IV, and waiting around. Just before I was taken to the operating room for the procedure the nurse tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat. She couldn't find it. My heart began to pound. My doctor took the doppler and attempted to find the heartbeat. I couldn't even speak. I was so afraid. I lay there while they located a portable ultrasound machine. I don't think I took a breath while I waited to see the baby come into view. Then it was there, moving with a lovely little heartbeat.

I was taken to the operating room. The anesthesiologist was there to give me an epidural. Because of my past experience, I knew that she might have difficulty placing the spinal in the usual place I let her know that previously they had place it higher. I wanted to avoid the multiple sticks I endured the first time. She felt my spine and said she could feel some scoliosis in the area they normally place it and she placed it higher. I still wouldn't call it loads of fun, but she got it in fairly quickly. I laid back on the bed and scooted into position. Then I had a moment to talk to my OB as he prepped. "Please let me have antibiotics." He refused. "Please, I'm frightened of infection. Can you just give them to me to ease my mind?" I pleaded and pleaded but he refused. They strapped my arms down and my OB began his work. Everything seemed surreal. Everyone was talking and laughing, but I don't have a clue what they were saying. I lay there with tears streaming down my cheeks, helpless to wipe them away. The nurse would ask me every so often if I was alright and I would tell her that I was just nervous. Everyone's words blended together so much that my OB had to say my name several times at the end of the procedure to get my attention. "I was able to get 3cm of cervix. We'll have none of that hourglass opening this time." I'm not sure if I replied or not. Then it was over. I was moved to a bed and rolled into recovery.

I don't remember anything about my emergency cerclage or the recovery time after the cerclage that I had placed when I was pregnant with Jamie. I just remember waking up in my hospital room needing to use the restroom. This time I was fully aware of everything. I kept feeling my legs because it still felt like they were in the stirrups. The monitored my blood pressure and heart rate. Matthew was brought in to keep me company and my breakfast was ordered. After about an hour I began to feel really trapped by the inability to move. I wanted to bad to roll over on my stomach and go to sleep. There was no television for a distraction. I began to feel a little panicked. I struggled to make my legs work, but it was no use. I had Matt call the nurse and they helped move me up in the bed so that I could work the bed controls and change my position.

It took nearly five hours for me to regain any movement and nearly six before I could walk and go home. I was told to stay on bed rest for twenty-four hours and then "light activity" for the next couple of weeks.

That night I had a lot of cramping and a pinching feeling in my vagina. I had that cramping and occasionally that pinching feeling for the remainder of my pregnancy. I had quite a bit of cervical mucus. There was enough that I even became concerned that my membranes might have ruptured and I went to the OR to let them check. Better safe than sorry. I saw my OB again on August 12TH. He checked the baby with the fetal doppler and this time was able to pick up the heartbeat just fine. He did a manual exam of my cervix and said that my cervix was closed. I had lost almost four pounds in a few days and he lectured me on increasing my calories.

I was constantly nervous. I counted milestones from previous pregnancies. I made it through 17 weeks, when I lost my first babies. I made it to 20 weeks and learned the gender. I was excited to tell Jamie that he was getting the sister he wanted so badly. His response was, "I know." I guess he always did. I made it to 24 weeks, when things went so wrong with Jamie. It's also the week when you are considered viable.

Everything went extremely smooth. I had the normal pregnancy I had always dreamed of until 30 weeks. I got my first 4D ultrasound at my 30 week appointment and that was really cool. Unfortunately, we learned that my fluid was low and my OB put me on bed rest.

Bed rest was not so bad. It wasn't strict like during my pregnancy with Jamie. I could get up and do some things. I could pick Jamie up from school. Still, with Jamie to take care of I found it difficult to stay in bed the way the doctor wanted me to. He constantly threatened to admit me.

I had my cerclage removed at 36 weeks. My OB thought that I would give birth within three days, but Bella would surprise us all. One week passed. Then two. I kept asking, "How can a cervix that can't hande a baby that weighs about a pound handle a baby that weighs 7 pounds?" and "Oh, now it decides to become competent."

At the end of my pregnancy I was having a lot of trouble with my stomach. I couldn't keep food down. I was losing weight and my doctor just felt that it was in Bella's best interest to get her out. We scheduled an induction for January 26, 2010. Matthew and I took Jamie out that night for our last family outing as a family of three.

At 38 weeks and 5 days I checked into the hospital right at midnight. I changed into the shirt I delivered Jamie in and the blanket that was on my bed during my long stay in the hospital with Jamie. We were in the very room that I had been in the day my water broke with Jamie. The room seemed so different this time. My imminent birth was exciting and not terrifying. I figured that we would have her within a few hours. Again, Bella would surprise us.

I was too excited to sleep. I waited to feel the contractions. As morning was on the horizon the contractions were of sufficient strenth that I called for my epidural. The monitor showed a really good, strong contraction pattern. I was guessing I was probably 6 cm. I got my epidural and the nurse checked me. Three cm. That is all. I felt like a wimp then.

Hours went by with little change. Finally, I moved to what they "might call four". They called my doctor. If I didn't change in the next half hour I would have to have c-section. I nodded in resignation, but my heart sank. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't want one. I wanted a beautiful birth like Jamie's. I wanted her laid on my chest the moment she arrived. I wanted to nurse her. I didn't want a c-section. The nurse checked me again in thirty minutes and I had changed to five. Finally, this thing was moving. The c-section was off and a vaginal delivery was back on!

My friend was there with her children to help with Jamie. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were there with Brianna and Dynisha. It was getting late and everyone was hungry. The snacks we had brought for the kids in preperation for this day had been eaten long ago. I sent Matt, my friend, and all the kids to the caffateria to get some dinner before the baby was born. I thought we still had plenty of time since I was only 5 cm. While they were gone the doctor came to check me. I was ready. He told me to try a test push. I did. He told me to push again. I said, "Wait, is this the delivery?" He said it was and I told him I needed to call my husband. I had his mom call the cafateria. I felt her coming out. I remembered this feeling from Jamie's birth. I was sure he was going to fall out. Even though I had done this before I was still sure she was getting ready to slip right out. I didn't think Matt would get there in time.

I was relieved when Matt arrived. I wanted to have Jamie in the room, too, but my doctor wouldn't allow it. He said he would only allow two adults and my husband. I let my mother-in-law and my mother stay. Matt took one leg and my mother took the other and I commenced pushing. All I could really think about during pushing was my mother. She kept trying to pull my head, even though the doctor told her not to. She smelled bad of cigarettes and she kept talking. I was rude to her. I couldn't help it. I asked her several times not to talk. I was actually feeling sick to my stomach lstening to her. I know that sounds bad. I probably hurt her feelings, but she was ruining my delivery. Luckily, it only took a few pushes and she was out and on my chest.

When they took her over to the isolet and began getting apgars, cleaning her, measuring her, testing her I began to cry. I couldn't believe I had a baby girl. My mom was trying to hug me and talk to me. She kept telling me that Bella was fine. I kept trying to tell her that I was crying because I was happy. I wanted her to get away from me, stop talking, and let me just enjoy the moment. I think I was pretty rude to her, again. I'm usually not the kind of person to be rude to anyone. I still get sick to my stomach when I think about it. It wasn't the beautiful moment I had when Jamie was born where I felt like he and I were the only people in the whole world for a brief moment. It kind of felt like my mom took control of everything when she was there.

We let Jamie come in first. I was glad to hold both my babies in my arms. Jamie smiled at her. We gave him the present we had gotten for him from his sister, hex bugs. He was definately more excited about the hex bugs than the sister. We let everyone else come in. Everyone snatched away my baby. I hadn't even seen her toes yet. Everything was chaos to me. I wanted to nurse her and see her toes really bad. Finally, the nurse interveined and told everyone I needed to nurse her. I took my baby and unwrapped her so I could see her feet before nursing her. She had the longest toes I had ever seen.

I was glad when the place calmed down and Matthew and I were alone to enjoy our precious princess together. I marveled at her. She weighed 7lbs 2 oz, but she seemed so tiny. I couldn't remember Jamie being smaller than that, though he was almost two pounds smaller when he was born. She had quite a bit of hair, too.

I got to bring her home 48 hours after I gave birth. I was positive for the group B strep, so we had to wait the full 48 hours and it was night time when we left the hospital. We picked up Jamie and went to our house, a family of four.

The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson

2010-04-21T10:10:00.002-04:00

I think I have a new favorite children's book! There is just something so cute about this book. The story is about a clever little mouse who creates this imaginary creature to scare other animals who want to eat him. His plan works like a charm until he runs into the imaginary creature who turns out to be very real and wants to eat him. The clever little mouse manages to trick the Gruffalo, too. You've got to read it to see how! This is a book I have read over and over again and still love. I think you and your child will, too.

Pizza on the Cheap

2010-04-21T09:39:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to stick to a strict grocery budget this week. Pizza may not come to mind when your living on a budget, but often when you look in your fridge you have the stuff to put one together. This pizza had seasoned hamburger meat (about 1/3 of a pound), about 12 pepperonis, half a green pepper, half an onion, and a bag of Italian blend cheese. It tasted really good.

I don't really follow recipes close and I often just throw things together. I'll give you my recipe for pizza crust to the best of my ability, but I'm not positive of the exact amounts. A lot of this you do by feel.

Preheat your oven to 450.

3 cups of self rising flour
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup of milk
1 cup of warm water
1 teaspoon of minced garlic
a handful of Italian blend cheese
two tablespoons of sugar

Mix flour, sugar, and cheese first, then add the olive oil, milk, and garlic. Begin mixing together. Add warm water until dough forms. You may not need a whole cup of warm water. Kneed the dough for about 10 minutes. Cover with a cloth and set aside for 20 minutes. You can roll the dough out with a rolling pin or press it into a pan by hand. I used a pizza pan this time, but it's a good crust to use in a large cast iron skillet for a deep dish pizza. Top pizza as desired and cook for 20 - 25 minutes.

While the dough is setting you can cook your hamburger meat or sausage. I cooked a pound of hamburger meat and put the rest up to make something else with the next day. Pizza is great because you can just throw anything you have on it and it turns out great. I didn't have any pizza sauce or spaghetti sauce so I used medium salsa on it and I liked that better than regular pizza sauce.

Free Photo Coasters

2010-04-21T08:49:00.004-04:00

I love Arts Cow. They always have fabulous prices, but they often have some really great freebies for their facebook fans. If you are on facebook you should become a fan of artscow.com.

Right now they are giving away free photo coasters. When I say free, I mean free. There are no shipping charges.

Peer Pressure

2010-04-21T08:21:00.004-04:00

Jamie got into the biggest trouble he's ever been in this past weekend. I've been letting him go play with the kids up the street. They're all older than him, but one girl just turned 7 and he likes to play with her. He's not allowed to be in their house or back yard. I need to be able to look out and see him. We live on a dead end. The kids play in the road. They set up a basketball goal at the end of the street. I've known most of my neighbors my entire life. We watch out for each others kids. This family is new.

My husband goes outside Sunday to check on Jamie and sees him trying to place something under the tire of the neighbors truck as the neighbor is trying to back out. The neighbor sees him, thank God, and stops. He watches for Jamie to move out of the way and tries again and Jamie does the same thing again. This apparently happened a few times. My husband was screaming the whole time. I come running because I heard Matt yelling. All the kids from that household are standing there watching Jamie do this. Most of them are 10+. Some of them are teens. The neighbor is finally able to back up and I make Jamie come home, of course. The neighbor is furious. I'm sure he was frightened, too. He has a little girl in kindergarten, too. I demand to know what Jamie thought he was doing. He was trying to get Eeyore, which is his lovey, "smushed". I ask him why he would do that to Eeyore and he says, "Because my friend wanted me to." We have the "you don't do everything your friends want you to" discussion. I take Eeyore away so he can get a taste of what it would be like if Eeyore was gone. We discuss death and how getting hit by a truck or a car could make you die. I also told him that he couldn't go out without me again except in the back yard, which is fenced in and we lock. I am very concerned about this new family, but Jamie wants to play with them so badly. I left my car in Knoxville the weekend before last after a trip to the ER where they gave me morphine so I could not drive. I haven't had a car this week. I hear the keypad to my front door beeping and go up front to find the little girl trying to get into my house. Mind you, she is just barely seven. I just have a gut feeling that something is not right with the family.

Jamie had terrible night terrors Sunday night. I felt guilty about the death discussions and taking away Eeyore, but I really wanted to make sure the danger sunk in and for there to be a serious consequence to his actions that he would not forget. The little girl came up to see if Jamie could play and I asked her about what was going on up there. She said that she wanted to see what would happen if the truck ran over Jamie's Eeyore. She said that she and all those kids in the family had been running over his Eeyore with their bikes and had not been able to smush him. I told her that if she and Jamie could not play nice games together that I would not let them play together. I told her that he wouldn't be able to play without me there from now on and that he was grounded for three days. She still showed up three more times and then showed up after school yesterday, too.

Lately, Jamie has seemed really susceptible to peer pressure. He tries to give away the stuff he loves to make other people be his friends. He does whatever they tell him to do. He is immature for his age as it is and it's frightening to me to see him try to buy friendship in that way. I'm so worried about him.

I'm Still Here!

2010-04-21T07:18:00.003-04:00

I keep meaning to blog. Life is passing me by so quickly. So much has happened and there is so much to share. I don't think I can get this blog properly updated! After looking at a few blogs about sensory processing disorders I feel motivated to write this morning. Why, do you ask. Well, last month the mystery of what is going on with Jamie was finally solved, at least in part. After testing we found that he does not have Asperger's Syndrome like we have thought for the past three years. He has sensory processing disorder. I'm still learning the basics of what this means. I don't think we've done much more than scratch the surface and I have no idea, yet, how to help Jamie. We haven't even shared the information with most people.

You probably want to know about baby Bella, first, though. She is fine. Just this week she has a clear nose for the very first time in her life. We are very excited about this. It seems crazy, but when your baby has never been able to breath easily, a little thing like a clear nose is a big deal. She seems to be perfectly healthy and happy.

I swore that I was not going to worry over her size like we did Jamie when he was a baby. We were constantly trying to get him to gain weight, just to learn as he grew that he was just built that way. Bella is a little chunkier than Jamie, but she is still in the fifteenth percentile. However, her head circumference is in the third percentile. I'm trying to keep my word about not worrying about size, but I must admit I worry a tiny bit. She is meeting all her milestones, though, and there is no reason to think that anything at all is wrong with her. She is absolutely beautiful!

Now, a little about me. I'm not sure if I've written about this here or not. I don't think so. After I gave birth to Jamie I got pancreatitis. To make a long story short, I refused to be hospitalized because I had a newborn. Taking all that medication effectively ended my breast feeding days, which broke my heart and saddens me to this day. After the pancreatitis was over, I got swollen lymph nodes in my stomach. This was really painful. It was more painful than the pancreatitis. I always kind of thought that it was all somehow related to my pregnancy, but couldn't be sure. Jamie was about three months old when it happened.

Fast forward to present. I have pancreatitis again. I got it about a month ago and it is still not over. Again, I did not go into the hospital. Sometimes I wish I had. I saw a GI last week and he thinks I have autoimmune pancreatitis, which would explain why it happens when I give birth. The test that can diffinatively diagnose this is not commercially available, yet, though. I think it's fairly certain. I have positive ANA panels, I have some chronic form of pancreatitis but do not drink alcohol. It explains the swollen lymph nodes I had last time. It also explains other issues that I have had over the years. I might actually be on the verge of clearing up the medical mysteries that have plagued me for most of my life. I don't post this as a negative thing. I'm actually excited because when you have answers, you can often find solutions. I'm tired of being sick. It makes it hard to be the mom I want to be. Everything I do right now is with great effort and that takes a lot of the fun out of it.

I've got to get Jamie ready for school. I promise I'll be back later today to start making actual posts! I really need a new blog background, too. I probably won't get around to that today.

I Wonder If I'll Ever Get Back to Blogging

2010-02-21T02:33:00.003-05:00

Where have I been? Um, no where. I just don't seem to have the energy to blog anymore. So what's been going on? Life.

I've got lots of stories to tell, but I don't have the time tonight. I'll come tell my stories later. Here's a quickly update on my life...

I was on bed rest for a long time. After my cerclage was removed my OB expected me to deliver within three days and that did not happen. Due to some diabetes related stomach issues I was induced at 38 weeks 5 days. It was longer and harder than anyone thought possible, but in the end I had a beautiful daughter named Bella. I'll give all the details later.

When Bella was 10 days old she was admitted to Children's Hospital with RSV. Over night I went from having a baby with a stuff nose to a baby on a ventilator in the PICU. She was released yesterday after 15 days. It's so good to be home.

Jamie's had a lot going on, too. Obviously he's had a lot of changes in his life. He's in the process of undergoing specialized testing for autism spectrum disorders. On the lighter side, I've signed him up for soccer and he's looking forward to that. He should start having practices at the beginning of March. He wants to take swimming lessons this summer and I'm definitely going to let him do that.

Acceptance

2009-12-12T12:02:00.004-05:00

The past two days a friend of mine has come to help me clean my house and get ready for the baby. It is so hard for me to accept help, but I had to. I can not do this alone. The nursery was Jamie's play room and everything had to be moved to our guest room and fixed up for Jamie. We don't want him losing play space to the new baby! She did a lovely job fixing it up for him. He was very happy. He's quit sleeping in his bedroom and has been sleeping in the new playroom. She also cleaned my big bathroom and did my dishes. She'll be back a lot, too. It's so hard to let someone do that! It's embarrassing to let others see your mess. It's hard to sit by and watch others work. I really appreciate her help, though. Matthew is working two jobs right now and he just doesn't have the time or energy to get these things done. I don't know what I would do without her.

Neglected Blog

2009-12-12T09:03:00.002-05:00

You would think that with all the excitement over the last several months that my blog would be full and quite entertaining. I'm not sure why that has not been the case, as I have had time to write.

I will try to fill in some blanks over the last few months in the next few posts. I'll give them the correct dates so that my blog won't be a huge mess. I like to keep up with this blog as a record of my life with my son and soon my daughter. I am now confined to bed rest, probably for the duration of my pregnancy. Surely I can manage to write a snippet or two every day since I can do little else.

Too Many Presents

2009-12-11T11:30:00.003-05:00

I've been putting out a present a night under the tree to build up Christmas anticipation for Jamie. This morning Jamie informed me that I was putting too many presents under the tree and that there wouldn't be room for Santa's gifts.

Bed Rest or Bust

2009-12-09T23:14:00.000-05:00

I am now 31 weeks 6 days. At my OB appointment today my fluid had dropped again. My doctor really got on to me about staying in bed. I told him that I had to do certain things. I have to cook, wash dishes, and do some laundry. I'm a mom with a 5 year old. He told me that I needed to go buy some paper plates and inlist family and/or friends to help around the house. He said to tell him now if I couldn't do it and he'd go ahead and admit me to the hospital. If my fluid drops more he's admitting me anyway. I told him I'd find away. I really don't want to be hospitalized and away from Jamie, especially for Christmas. The good news is that my cervix looks great and the baby is growing well. She measured nearly 4lbs today.

I got a few ultrasound pictures but because of the low fluid they were very difficult to see. I couldn't even get a 4D with the fluid so low. Jamie got to be there since my appointment was after school so it's really a shame we couldn't get a better view of his baby sister.

Baby Bath

2009-12-08T11:35:00.001-05:00

Jamie and I were watching Babies: Special Delivery and we saw a baby born. I'm hoping he will be there for the birth so we talked about the "yucky stuff" on the baby and how his baby would be yucky at first, too, but they would clean her off. Jamie said, "Can we put her in the bath tub? I love her in the bath tub."

Kindergarten Christmas Tree Project

2009-12-07T23:01:00.001-05:00

Jamie had to make a Christmas tree for school. His teacher sent the paper already cut out and Jamie had to decorate it. He did this almost completely by himself. I had to draw a star for him to cut out and I had to show him how to tape the curling ribbon behind the tree, but that's all. I think it turned out quite cute.

Crib

2009-12-06T19:54:00.000-05:00

I finally have my crib and crib bedding. I think it's so pretty and unique. I didn't want a cookie cutter nursery. I wish my nursery was all put together already, but there's so much left to do. I need to redo the floors, paint, get curtains, a throw rug, a slipcover for the rocker, a new light, and decorations. At the moment it seems impossible that we might be able to get all that before she arrives.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

2009-12-04T22:40:00.002-05:00

I had wanted to put up our tree after Thanksgiving dinner, but since I am on bed rest I have little control over what gets done and when. Matthew was too tired to do it. A few days later he finally got around to pulling it out of the attic. Once put together we found that our poor pre-lit tree was no longer lit, at least a lot of it wasn't lit. I was so disappointed. Matthew went to the store a few days later and bought an inexpensive pre-lit tree. With the baby coming we couldn't not afford to put a lot of money in the tree. It was a little disappointing to look at it once it was put up. It is not very full. After being decorated, it cleaned up pretty nice, though. I am so happy to have a tree up and really enjoyed watching Jamie decorate it.

I stayed up late last night to surprise Jamie with a Christmas Countdown Calendar. I think it turned out pretty cute. I did it with a piece of green poster board. I used foam craft paper to make the ornaments and even cut out aluminum foil for the tops to make them look more realistic. If you've never tried to cut anything small out of aluminum foil you are really missing out on some fun (if you could hear me say that you could note the sarcasm dripping from my tongue).

I'm a Big Brother by Ronne Randall

2009-12-03T23:42:00.001-05:00

I read this book to Jamie tonight. I wasn't expecting to get emotional, but I did. I cried and my voice cracked. At times I couldn't get the words to come out. Thinking about my precious miracle boy being a big brother is just so emotional for me.

This book is about a little boy who becomes a big brother. He is anxious for the baby to become big enough to play, but it takes so long for baby to grow! This really made me think of Jamie because he says he won't like his sister until she's big. He wants her big enough to play, too.

30 Weeks 6 Days 4D Ultrasounds

2009-12-02T23:06:00.001-05:00

My fluid increased "a smidge". Yes, I think that's the correct medical term the OB used. My little girl has turned and is head down now. The tech didn't think she'd be able to get a 4D image of her today because she didn't have much fluid around her face, but we got a couple of adorable pictures. I absolutely love the little fingers!

I'm still relegated to the bed, as I imagine I will be for the remainder of my pregnancy. I stay in bed as much as possible, but with Matthew working all the time it's very difficult. I know I'm not supposed to be cleaning, but if I don't do the dishes and laundry we will have nothing to eat off of and no clothes to wear! I try to do as little as possible, but there are just some things that must be done.

Can a Mom Really be on Bed Rest?

2009-12-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

It is difficult to see in this picture because the flash on Nathaniel's white fur obscured the marks, but Jamie colored our cat with green marker. He has marker on his face, neck, and paws. You would think you could turn your back on a coloring five year old for a few moments without something of this nature happening. Need I even mention the mess he made of the room and of himself?

Up

2009-11-28T21:29:00.003-05:00

Just finished watching Up with Jamie and Dynisha. I got a little misty eyed a few times. The beginning was boring to Jamie, but touching to me. Once the balloons were inflated Jamie was completely captivated and I had a difficult time making him go to the bathroom because he didn't want to stop watching it even for a moment. I think this is one of the best kids movies that has come out in a long time. I highly recommend it.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T23:23:00.001-05:00

Pulling Thanksgiving together when you are on bed rest is a little bit of a challenge. I must admit I wasn't in bed as much as I should have been. Even so we ended up with our family over without the floors mopped or Jamie dressed up and bathed.

I always enjoy the holidays, but it seems that everyone else is always so unhappy. Usually we have Thanksgiving dinner at my husbands family's home. I decided that this year I wasn't going to do that. I'm tired of listening to everyone complain, complain, complain about the stress and the mess. I absolutely love cooking and having guests. If you don't enjoy it, don't do it out of some sense of obligation in the name of the holiday. Having Thanksgiving on my own terms this year made for a much better holiday, though I was a little stressed because there was so much I was not allowed to do.

4D Ultrasounds

2009-11-25T22:14:00.002-05:00

I can't believe we will be 30 weeks tomorrow! We got our first real peak at her little face today. Isn't she beautiful? The tech took a long video where we saw her move and she appears to yawn really big. Her little fingers fluttered about her face and she looks like she tried to put her little foot in her mouth. Unfortunately, when we got home we discovered that the video did not record. I could have cried. Still, I have these beautiful pictures.

The bad news is that my fluid is a little low. My doctor has put me on bed rest. On the bright side I will get weekly ultrasounds! I've always said that is the plus side to having pregnancy complications.

My Anniversary

2009-11-11T09:53:00.001-05:00

I'm 27 weeks 6 days and today is my 9th anniversary. We have sure been through our ups and downs over the last 9 years but what a fabulous life we have together. We have a beautiful little boy who brings us lots of joy. We're expecting a beautiful little girl even though we thought we could not have another child. We truly have cause to celebrate.

I had an OB appointment in the afternoon and then we stopped by to visit with my uncle. He gave us money to go out to eat. We went to Red Lobster with Jamie. I had crab alfredo, which is my favorite, but terrible for my blood sugar! Jamie ate about half a dozen cheese biscuits and a little salad. That's about it.

Some Artwork and Writing

2009-11-07T22:06:00.003-05:00

Jamie's First Kindergarten Project

2009-11-05T22:47:00.001-05:00

Jamie doesn't get homework so I was surprised and delighted when he came home with a project for us to do together. He had to take a picture of a Turkey and glue it to orange construction paper and disguise it so that it would not be eatedn for Thanksgiving. I believe that nobody in their right minds would eat this monster turkey!

Trick-or-Treat

2009-10-31T23:38:00.001-04:00

Trick-or-Treating was so much fun. It was drizzling and quite cold. By the time we were finished we were soaking wet. Even so we all had a blast and probably could have gone on longer.

Trunk or Treat

2009-10-28T21:25:00.001-04:00

We went to a Trunk or Treat at a church with some friends a fe days before Halloween. I brought Dynisha with us. They ate, played lots of games. There was face paining but Jamie wouldn't have his face painted on so he asked her to paint his hand. It got ruined only seconds later when I held his hand without thinking. Dynisha chose to have her hair painted instead.

Jamie is getting older and much more adventurous. Even six months ago he was terrified of bounce houses and the like. He would watch the other children and you knew that he longed to participate in the fun, but just couldn't get past his fear. Tonight he actually played in a bounce house and a blow up obstacle course and had a wonderful time. I didn't think I would manage to pull him out to go home. I am so glad that he conquered that fear. Perhaps he will be bolder the next time he is afraid to do something that he really does want to do.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

2009-10-27T16:25:00.005-04:00

1 cup of self-rising flour
1/2 cup softened butter
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 large egg
1 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 375

Beat butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar and vanilla extract in a mixing bowl until it is creamy. Add the egg and continue beating. Gradually add flour and continue beating. Stir in the chocolate chips. Drop the cookies in rounded spoonfuls on a baking sheet.

Bake for approximately 10 minutes or until golden brown.

This made us 18 cookies, but will probably make you about 20. I think we ate a few in the dough stage!

Pine Cones & Leaves

2009-10-26T18:17:00.003-04:00

I really had a good time with Jamie today. Today was the first day of him fall break from school. We slept in late. He slept in the bed with me last night. He started out in his own bed, but ended up in with Matthew and I. I don't mind. I love having him close to me. I went to bed after Matthew and when I got in there he was snuggled up to his Daddy and the two of them were taking up less than half the bed. Moments like that melt my heart.

We relaxed the first part of the day. I heated up some Chicken Tetrazinni that I had made last week and frozen. I got the recipe from www.moneysavingmom.com. It was really good. Jamie loved the cheesy noodles. I did some laundry and late in the afternoon we headed out to Jamie's school and hunted for pretty leaves and pine cones. At first we didn't have much luck with the pine cones. I started on the paths in the woods around the school and didn't find any at all. When we walked around the back of the school we found plenty, though. When we got home I dumped everything out on the table and let Jamie fill a clear glass vase. Then we pressed leaves between two pieces of wax paper. I don't think my iron gets hot enough without the steam setting for them to press well, but Jamie was happy with it. Now I have a lovely centerpiece on my kitchen table.

Now we're sitting on the couch watching Cake boss together. Jamie just loves that show. He's so facinated by the whole thing. He loves cooking shows, too, but nothing beats Cake Boss.

Pumpkin Carving Weekend

2009-10-25T23:30:00.001-04:00

Yesterday we went to spent the night with my friend and her kids. She roasted pumpkin seeds and I carved the pumpkins. I thought I would never get finished. The cat one was the hardest, but the pirate ship and the skull were a bit tedious, too. The kids picked out what they wanted on their pumpkins. Jamie's are the bat, the cat, and the "fire mouth".

The large pumpkin with three bats on it is actually a pie pumpkin so I scraped it out as much as I could to use for goodies. I'll have to post about that later.

Today we made caramel apples. Jamie loved eating the caramel.

Pumpkin Day in Jamie's Class

2009-10-23T17:31:00.004-04:00

Jamie's class had a Pumpkin Day today at school. There were four tables set up. One table was decorating pumpkin cookies, one was making necklaces, one was making a Popsicle stick pumpkin face craft, and my table was making pumpkin bags. I had so much fun volunteering in class despite being sleepy from last night. I am so glad that I could participate.

We were asking the kids which table they liked best and they all were saying they liked the cookie table. Jamie said, "I liked your table, Mommy, because you were there." Awww. He knows how to melt his Mommy's heart.

Sleep Study

2009-10-23T17:14:00.003-04:00

Jamie had a sleep study done last night. For years he has been having these "tantrums" during the night. I couldn't tell if he was awake or not. He can be so out of control during these episodes and I have become increasingly concerned about them. On top of that he sleeps with his eyes partially open, he talks in his sleep and often yells out in his sleep. He also seems so restless during the night.

The sleep schedule happened so fast. We ended up having about four hours notice. I think that's fabulous, though. I'm so glad we got in so quickly.

I'm very happy that everything that I'm concerned about happened during our visit. I guess we'll get some answers soon. During Jamie's night tantrum the nurse came in and told me that he was indeed asleep. She also came back and told me when he was awake so I could comfort him and try to settle him back down to get some rest.

He had a Pumpkin Party in class at school today. I volunteered to work in the classroom. We were both so exhausted that we went home and went to bed after the sleep study and then just went in time for the party. Though we were both very worn out, it really was a good day for this to happen on since he didn't have to concentrate on academics.

Field Trip to the Fruit and Berry Patch

2009-10-19T17:47:00.003-04:00

Jamie's class went on a trip to the Fruit and Berry Patch. I was lucky enough to be able to chaperone. Jamie and I were paired with his best friend, Ande, and his mom. We got to take a ride on a cart pulled by a tractor, feed goats, pick out a little pumpkin, pick apples, and go through a corn maze.

Open House

2009-10-16T08:23:00.009-04:00

I went to Jamie's Open House at school last night. He was so excited to show me everything. I couldn't put up many pictures since I don't put pictures up of other kids without asking the parents. I didn't ask anyone.

Jamie's teacher said that Jamie is very careful with his work.

Jamie loved showing me everything in his classroom. We were the first to arrive at his classoom so he had free run at first. When the room started getting crowded he wanted out. I really wanted to stay and meet some of the other parents, but Jamie was dragging me out. I had a hard time keeping up with the little booger.

We went to the book fair and bought Jamie three books and one book for the classroom. Matt was able to make it for the last thirty minutes we were there, so he got to help pick out books. We also bought Jamie a school sweatshirt.

24 Weeks

2009-10-16T08:04:00.003-04:00

I am officially pregnant and off bed rest longer than I have ever been before. Yeah! The baby has reached the official gestation doctors consider viability. I'm pretty sure my belly is officially larger than it has ever been during pregnancy, too. I don't mind, though. I like having a big belly. I love being pregnant. I love being pregnant and able to get out.

My doctors appointment was Tuesday. Everything looked great. My cervix was sitting high. It measured 4.6 with the trans-vaginal ultrasound. No effacement. I'm truly having a normal pregnancy!

Right now she is breach, but she'll probably turn. Jamie was breach at this time, too. If, for some reason, she doesn't turn my doctor said he would schedule a c-section and leave the cerclage in place. As long as she turns around, which I'm sure she will, the cerclage will be removed at 36 weeks.

Safe Freezing - USDA Fact Sheet

2009-10-12T18:54:00.007-04:00

I'm planning on freezing a lot of food in the next few months in preparation for the baby and also for busy days with Jamie. I've been collecting recipes from people. I got some great recipes from MoneySavingMom.com. Even after finding the recipes I was a little lost on how to properly store these items or how long it would be okay to store them. To find the answer I did what any computer age mom would do... I googled. I thought I'd share what I found. This is extremely helpful to me. Now I can't wait to get cooking!

http://www.fsis.usda.gov/Fact_Sheets/Focus_On_Freezing/index.asp

Foods in the freezer -- are they safe? Every year, thousands of callers to
the USDA Meat and Poultry Hotline aren't sure about the safety of items stored
in their own home freezers. The confusion seems to be based on the fact that few
people understand how freezing protects food. Here is some information on how to
freeze food safely and how long to keep it.

What Can You
Freeze?
You can freeze almost any food. Some exceptions are canned
food or eggs in shells. However, once the food (such as a ham) is out of the
can, you may freeze it.

Being able to freeze food and being pleased with
the quality after defrosting are two different things. Some foods simply don't
freeze well. Examples are mayonnaise, cream sauce and lettuce. Raw meat and
poultry maintain their quality longer than their cooked counterparts because
moisture is lost during cooking.

Is Frozen Food Safe?
Food stored constantly at 0 °F will always be safe. Only the quality suffers
with lengthy freezer storage. Freezing keeps food safe by slowing the movement
of molecules, causing microbes to enter a dormant stage. Freezing preserves food
for extended periods because it prevents the growth of microorganisms that cause
both food spoilage and foodborne illness.

Does Freezing Destroy
Bacteria & Parasites?
Freezing to 0 °F inactivates any microbes
-- bacteria, yeasts and molds - - present in food. Once thawed, however, these
microbes can again become active, multiplying under the right conditions to
levels that can lead to foodborne illness. Since they will then grow at about
the same rate as microorganisms on fresh food, you must handle thawed items as
you would any perishable food.

Trichina and other parasites can be
destroyed by sub-zero freezing temperatures. However, very strict
government-supervised conditions must be met. It is not recommended to rely on
home freezing to destroy trichina. Thorough cooking will destroy all parasites.

Freshness & Quality
Freshness and quality at
the time of freezing affect the condition of frozen foods. If frozen at peak
quality, foods emerge tasting better than foods frozen near the end of their
useful life. So freeze items you won't use quickly sooner rather than later.
Store all foods at 0° F or lower to retain vitamin content, color, flavor and
texture.

Nutrient Retention
The freezing process
itself does not destroy nutrients. In meat and poultry products, there is little
change in nutrient value during freezer storage.

Enzymes
Enzyme activity can lead to the
deterioration of food quality. Enzymes present in animals, vegetables and fruit
promote chemical reactions, such as ripening. Freezing only slows the enzyme
activity that takes place in foods. It does not halt these reactions which
continue after harvesting. Enzyme activity does not harm frozen meats or fish
and is neutralized by the acids in frozen fruits. But most vegetables that
freeze well are low acid and require a brief, partial cooking to prevent
deterioration. This is called "blanching." For successful freezing, blanch or
partially cook vegetables in boiling water or in a microwave oven. Then rapidly
chill the vegetables prior to freezing and storage. Consult a cookbook for
timing.

Packaging
Proper packaging helps maintain
quality and prevent "freezer burn." It is safe to freeze meat or poultry
directly in its supermarket wrapping but this type of wrap is permeable to air.
Unless you will be using the food in a month or two, overwrap these packages as
you would any food for long-term storage using airtight heavy-duty foil,
(freezer) plastic wrap or freezer paper, or place the package inside a (freezer)
plastic bag. Use these materials or airtight freezer containers to repackage
family packs into smaller amounts. It is not necessary to rinse meat and poultry
before freezing. Freeze unopened vacuum packages as is. If you notice that a
package has accidentally been torn or has opened while food is in the freezer,
the food is still safe to use; merely overwrap or rewrap it.

Freezer Burn
Freezer burn does not make food
unsafe, merely dry in spots. It appears as grayish-brown leathery spots and is
caused by air reaching the surface of the food. Cut freezer-burned portions away
either before or after cooking the food. Heavily freezer-burned foods may have
to be discarded for quality reasons.

Color Changes
Color changes can occur in frozen foods. The bright red color of
meat as purchased usually turns dark or pale brown depending on its variety.
This may be due to lack of oxygen, freezer burn or abnormally long storage.

Freezing doesn't usually cause color changes in poultry. However, the
bones and the meat near them can become dark. Bone darkening results when
pigment seeps through the porous bones of young poultry into the surrounding
tissues when the poultry meat is frozen and thawed.

The dulling of color
in frozen vegetables and cooked foods is usually the result of excessive drying
due to improper packaging or over-lengthy storage.

Freeze
Rapidly
Freeze food as fast as possible to maintain its quality.
Rapid freezing prevents undesirable large ice crystals from forming throughout
the product because the molecules don't have time to take their positions in the
characteristic six-sided snowflake. Slow freezing creates large, disruptive ice
crystals. During thawing, they damage the cells and dissolve emulsions. This
causes meat to "drip"--lose juiciness. Emulsions such as mayonnaise or cream
will separate and appear curdled.

Ideally, a food 2-inches thick should
freeze completely in about 2 hours. If your home freezer has a "quick-freeze"
shelf, use it. Never stack packages to be frozen. Instead, spread them out in
one layer on various shelves, stacking them only after frozen solid.

Refrigerator - Freezers
If a refrigerator freezing
compartment can't maintain zero degrees or if the door is opened frequently, use
it for short-term food storage. Eat those foods as soon as possible for best
quality. Use a free-standing freezer set at 0° F or below for long-term storage
of frozen foods. Keep a thermometer in your freezing compartment or freezer to
check the temperature. This is important if you experience power-out or
mechanical problems.

Length of Time
Because
freezing keeps food safe almost indefinitely, recommended storage times are for
quality only. Refer to the freezer storage chart at the end of this document,
which lists optimum freezing times for best quality.

If a food is not
listed on the chart, you may determine its quality after defrosting. First check
the odor. Some foods will develop a rancid or off odor when frozen too long and
should be discarded. Some may not look picture perfect or be of high enough
quality to serve alone but may be edible; use them to make soups or stews. Cook
raw food and if you like the taste and texture, use it.

Safe
Defrosting
Never defrost foods in a garage, basement, car,
dishwasher or plastic garbage bag; out on the kitchen counter, outdoors or on
the porch. These methods can leave your foods unsafe to eat.

There are
three safe ways to defrost food: in the refrigerator, in cold water, or in the
microwave. It's best to plan ahead for slow, safe thawing in the refrigerator.
Small items may defrost overnight; most foods require a day or two. And large
items like turkeys may take longer, approximately one day for each 5 pounds of
weight.

For faster defrosting, place food in a leak proof plastic bag
and immerse it in cold water. (If the bag leaks, bacteria from the air or
surrounding environment could be introduced into the food. Tissues can also
absorb water like a sponge, resulting in a watery product.) Check the water
frequently to be sure it stays cold. Change the water every 30 minutes. After
thawing, cook immediately.

When microwave-defrosting food, plan to cook
it immediately after thawing because some areas of the food may become warm and
begin to cook during microwaving.

Refreezing
Once
food is thawed in the refrigerator, it is safe to refreeze it without cooking,
although there may be a loss of quality due to the moisture lost through
defrosting. After cooking raw foods which were previously frozen, it is safe to
freeze the cooked foods. If previously cooked foods are thawed in the
refrigerator, you may refreeze the unused portion.

If you purchase
previously frozen meat, poultry or fish at a retail store, you can refreeze if
it has been handled properly.

Cooking Frozen Foods
Raw or cooked meat, poultry or casseroles can be cooked or reheated from the
frozen state. However, it will take approximately one and a half times the usual
cooking time for food which has been thawed. Remember to discard any wrapping or
absorbent paper from meat or poultry.

When cooking whole poultry, remove
the giblet pack from the cavity as soon as you can loosen it. Cook the giblets
separately. Read the label on USDA-inspected frozen meat and poultry products.
Some, such as pre-stuffed whole birds, MUST be cooked from the frozen state to
ensure a safely cooked product.

LOOK FOR THE USDA OR STATE MARK OF
INSPECTION

The inspection mark on the packaging tells you the
product was prepared in a USDA or State-inspected plant under controlled
conditions. Follow the package directions for thawing, reheating, and storing.

Power Outage in Freezer
If there is a power outage,
the freezer fails, or if the freezer door has been left ajar by mistake, the
food may still be safe to use. As long as a freezer with its door ajar is
continuing to cool, the foods should stay safe overnight. If a repairman is on
the way or it appears the power will be on soon, just don't open the freezer
door.

A freezer full of food will usually keep about 2 days if the door
is kept shut; a half-full freezer will last about a day. The freezing
compartment in a refrigerator may not keep foods frozen as long. If the freezer
is not full, quickly group packages together so they will retain the cold more
effectively. Separate meat and poultry items from other foods so if they begin
to thaw, their juices won't drip onto other foods.

When the power is
off, you may want to put dry ice, block ice, or bags of ice in the freezer or
transfer foods to a friend's freezer until power is restored. Use an appliance
thermometer to monitor the temperature.

When it is freezing outside and
there is snow on the ground, it seems like a good place to keep food until the
power comes on; however, frozen food can thaw if it is exposed to the sun's rays
even when the temperature is very cold. Refrigerated food may become too warm
and foodborne bacteria could grow. The outside temperature could vary hour by
hour and the temperature outside will not protect refrigerated and frozen food.
Additionally, perishable items could be exposed to unsanitary conditions or to
animals. Animals may harbor bacteria or disease; never consume food that has
come in contact with an animal.

To determine the safety of foods when
the power goes on, check their condition and temperature. If food is partly
frozen, still has ice crystals, or is as cold as if it were in a refrigerator
(40 °F), it is safe to refreeze or use. It's not necessary to cook raw foods
before refreezing. Discard foods that have been warmer than 40 °F for more than
2 hours. Discard any foods that have been contaminated by raw meat juices.
Dispose of soft or melted ice cream for quality's sake.

Frozen Cans
Accidentally frozen cans, such as those
left in a car or basement in sub-zero temperatures, can present health problems.
If the cans are merely swollen -- and you are sure the swelling was caused by
freezing -- the cans may still be usable. Let the can thaw in the refrigerator
before opening. If the product doesn't look and/or smell normal, throw it out.
DO NOT TASTE IT! If the seams have rusted or burst, throw the cans out
immediately, wrapping the burst can in plastic and disposing the food where no
one, including animals can get it.

Frozen Eggs
Shell eggs should not be frozen. If an egg accidentally freezes and
the shell cracked during freezing, discard the egg. Keep an uncracked egg frozen
until needed; then thaw in the refrigerator. It can be hard cooked successfully
but other uses may be limited. That's because freezing causes the yolk to become
thick and syrupy so it will not flow like an unfrozen yolk or blend very well
with the egg white or other ingredients.

Freezer Storage Chart (0 °F)
Note: Freezer storage is for quality only. Frozen foods remain safe
indefinitely.
Item Months
Bacon and Sausage 1 to 2
Casseroles 2 to 3
Egg
whites or egg substitutes 12
Frozen Dinners and Entrees 3 to 4
Gravy, meat or poultry 2 to 3
Ham, Hotdogs and Lunchmeats 1 to 2
Meat, uncooked roasts 4 to 12
Meat, uncooked steaks or chops 4 to 12
Meat, uncooked ground 3 to 4
Meat, cooked 2 to 3
Poultry, uncooked
whole 12
Poultry, uncooked parts 9
Poultry, uncooked giblets 3 to 4
Poultry, cooked 4
Soups and Stews 2 to 3
Wild game, uncooked 8 to 12

Mother-In-Law's Gift

2009-10-12T05:27:00.002-04:00

My mother-in-law bought a few items for the baby. They're kind of cute. I just wish that the outfits came with shirts instead of onsies. I've run into that a lot. There are adorable little outfits all over the place, but they have onsies instead of shirts. I just don't care for the look of onsies with pants.

Must Sleeeep!!

2009-10-12T05:08:00.004-04:00

This payday we're buying a king size mattress and box springs. Our queen size mattress got a bit worn out and we've been sleeping on a double until we bought a new one. Well, I can't wait any longer. I can't get comfortable in such a small bed with my husband. It's got to where I have to sleep after Jamie goes to school and Matt goes to work. There's nothing that makes you feel worse than sleeping the day away. I can't get a very restful sleep during the daytime hours anyway, and the hours I have to sleep are really limited. I can not wait until Thursday!

McKalah Turns Six

2009-10-04T16:10:00.005-04:00

We spent the night at a friends house on Jamie's cousin, McKalah's Birthday, October 2nd. We brought both McKalah and Dynisha along. McKalah was so excited. We got there pretty late, but the kids were happy just to have a sleepover.

McKalah's mom called to wish her Happy Birthday at the hour of her birth, 10:23pm. It took forever to get the kids settled down and to sleep. It was after midnight when the last one, McKalah, finally drifted off to dream land. It's tough to get five wound up kids to sleep.

The next day for dinner we set up a bit of a party with leftover party supplies from previous birthday parties my friend had for her daughter. We had matching plates, napkins, blowers, and cups, but we had to use Dora party hats. The kids loved them anyway.

I was surprised that Jamie was willing to wear a hat. He usually won't tolerate them for even a moment. Even Dynisha wanted one.

We fixed stuffed shells with garlic bread for dinner, but desert, of course, was the main event. Before dinner I made chocolate cupcakes with McKalah and all the kids had stirred food coloring into icing to make an assorted rainbow to decorate the cakes with. We also had oreo pudding in pretty parfait glasses.

Decorating the cupcakes was even more fun than eating the. Each child was allowed two cupcakes. Jamie didn't want to ice his. He prefers his cupcakes plain. The other kids delighted in decorating their cupcakes but McKalah and another child only managed to eat one. Dynisha was so full she took hers home with her.

It was so late when we headed home, all three kids fell asleep in the car. Sometimes the simplest parties are just as much fun for the kids as the biggest, most expensive parties.

Jamie's First Library Book

2009-10-02T17:33:00.000-04:00

Jamie's so excited to bring home his very first library book. It's no surprise to me that he chose a book about Halloween. He just loves pumpkins!

I haven't done a "Book of the Day" in quite awhile. I guess in honor of Jamie's very first time checking out a book, we should make the book of the day Halloween by Gail Gibbons.

"This book presents the many traditions associated with the Halloween holiday, including making jack-o'-lanterns, wearing costumes, trick-or-treating, and telling scary stories."

My First Baby Purchase!

2009-10-01T18:43:00.004-04:00

I used the Gymbucks that I got from buying Jamie's fall shirts on the baby. I did buy Jamie one shirt. I just loved this airplane shirt. To my horror when I came home and showed it to him he told me he hated it. Really he was just jealous that the baby had kitties on her outfits. He said he wanted big boy clothes with kitties on it. I told him that I didn't think they had big boy clothes with kitties. Later he said he does love the shirt. I thought he would.
I didn't set out to buy clothes all from the same line, but this line was on sale and had such cute pieces.

It's just so exciting to get to shop for a little girl. I've always loved shopping for Jamie, but there is so much more precious stuff to buy for a girl. I think I'm in trouble!

A Visit to the Pediatrician

2009-09-22T16:55:00.003-04:00

Jamie's growing pains ended up not being growing pains at all. He has the flu. I happened to have my camera in my purse so I snapped a few shots of him at the doctor. He didn't appear all that sick at first, but as the time passed his fever went up and by the time the doctor came in he was feeling pretty horrible.

The real reason the appointment was originally scheduled had nothing to do with illness, though. If you've been reading about Jamie for a long time then you know that we've been trying to figure out for a long time if he has an Autism Spectrum Disorder or not. He's had a bit of trouble at school. I told his doctor about it when we were there getting his five year shots and he wanted to evaluate him again right away. This is the appointment we set for that. His pediatrician thinks it's clear that Jamie has Asperger's Syndrome. We are getting a referral to see a specialist.

Growing Pains

2009-09-21T08:03:00.005-04:00

Jamie's legs have been hurting every morning for several days, maybe a week now. It concerns me a little, but he seems to be fine after a short bit. I told it was probably growing pains, more to myself than to him. He whined, "I don't want to grow up. I want to stay like this!"

He started this last night. He didn't want to eat his green beans, which he loves, because I told him they would help him grow up big and strong.

Jamie's Announcement

2009-09-17T19:18:00.003-04:00

My appointment went very well today. My cervix looked very long. It was closed and there was no funnelling. It looks like I really am getting the normal pregnancy I've always dreamed of. I get to go in for another ultrasound on the 24TH to check my cervix again, and of course get another peek at the baby. I'll leave the official gender announcement up to Jamie...

Of course, upon getting this news, I was anxious to go shopping and find something adorable for the baby! Unfortunately, the stores I visited today were sorely lacking in clothes that I found irresistible, so I came home empty handed. *sigh*

New Background

2009-09-17T01:13:00.002-04:00

I haven't taken the time to put up a new background in quite awhile. I really didn't care for my last background very much. It was just so busy. I really like the papers and elements I found to use for this one. The elements came from Joni Gray Digiscraps and the papers are from With a Russian/Dutch Heart Design. I appreciate both designers offering these wonderful free digital scrapbooking kits so I could create a beautiful new blog background!

Jamie's Gymboree Order

2009-09-16T22:40:00.006-04:00

I love to shop. It's a good thing I have to budget or I would be a shopping addiction. I buy Jamie Gymboree and here is what I ordered tonight.

5 pairs

It's awesome when you can hit a good sale, have a coupon, and earn Gymbucks! Yeah, that means I can get even more next month!!

Volunteer?

2009-09-14T02:47:00.002-04:00

I got the volunteer sign up sheet for Jamie's school Friday. I found it so difficult to fill out. I want to volunteer for everything, but it's for the whole school year. Will i be able to come Fridays in February to do this? Can I man a booth at the Carnival in April? It's kind of a bummer. I want to be so involved, but I have no idea what's going to be possible. I signed up for as many things as I thought I would surely be able to find a way to do and left notes on it that I would do anything that I could and that my baby was due in February.

19 Week Appointment & Jamie's Shots

2009-09-12T03:48:00.003-04:00

My 19 week appointment went fine. I didn't get an ultrasound, but we listened to the heartbeat and the baby is doing just fine. My OB said not to worry about pain in my cervix and spotting. That's all to be expected. He actually said the pain was good because with IC you don't feel it when you open and with the cerclage I'll definitely feel it ...if I start to dilate. My cervix is 2.5 to 3cm long and that's fine. We go back next Thursday, the seventeenth to have our ultrasound and learn the gender! I can't wait. There's not much new to report for now.

Jamie also had to go to his doctor Wednesday morning. He had to have a few shots. I was very proud of what a big boy he was. He didn't cry. When the nurse brought the shots in she asked him if he would get on the table and he got on it without any fuss. He said quite matter-of-factly, "I'm scared." He laid down on the table and held my hand and Eeyore. He did cry after he was actually poked, but he didn't scream or try to get away. I thought he did fabulous.

They weighed him and he weighed 42 pounds. He's growing so fast. He got to go with us to the OB appointment since it was directly after his appointment and there was not enough time to take him back to school. He kept saying that he wanted to go to the room with the screen. He wanted to see the baby. I told him that I did, too, but that we couldn't this time. He so sweet.

He told my mother yesterday that the boy had died but when the babies came out the doctor would put a shot in it's mouth and it would be alive again. We explain that the baby was gone and there would be only one. Sometimes it seems like he gets that, but sometimes he pops out with something that tells me he's still a bit confused, or maybe it's just a case of wishful thinking.

Freebies I Found in the Wee Hours of the Morning

2009-09-09T20:18:00.011-04:00

Get Free Candy on Fridays!

To help prevent cord accidents, the Window Covering Safety Council provides consumers with free cord stops, tassels and tie-down devices. A safety brochure with retro fit instructions is included with each order.

FREE subscription toCreative Ideas Magazine
Receive our exclusive bi-monthly printed publication full of great ideas for your home and garden.

Free 2010 Wildlife Calendar
Wildlife Forever's 22nd annual calendar is free to those that are the list for the early October mailing. The 2010 calendar is filled with the exceptional work of several of America's most accomplished wildlife photographers. Get on the list by September 15th and your free 2010 wildlife calendar will be in your hands in just a few weeks.

FREE Board Book From Leap Frog!

Chick-Fil-A is offering a coupon good for a free chicken sandwich. THe first 250,000 get a free sandwich coupon. The next 750,000 get a free coke coupon.

Scrubbing Bubbles® Fall Cleanup Gift Pack
First 10,000* to respond will receive one free Scrubbing Bubbles® Toilet Cleaning Gel.

So what does a pregnant woman do all night if she can't sleep. Well, if she is me, she looks up freebies all night.

Urgent - Bunny of the Loose!

2009-09-08T08:18:00.002-04:00

I put the little rescued bunny in my garage to make sure it would stay warm for the night. The garage is not air conditioned. When I woke up to check on it this morning it was no longer in the box. It had squeezed through the flaps. I guess it's a good thing I didn't leave the box on my kitchen table.

I looked the garage over, but there are so many places for a tiny little rabbit to hide. I will have to wait until my husband gets home to find it. There are too many heavy boxes and shelves, not to mention appliances. I have a freezer out there, as well as my washer and dryer.

Hopefully the little guy is okay out there.

Always Scared

2009-09-08T00:57:00.003-04:00

I'm 18 weeks and 4 days now, but still find this pregnancy terrifying. I think I might have felt the baby a few times but I'm unsure. I think I should feel more by now. I have an appointment on Wednesday and I'm nervous. It's easy for me to convince myself that this baby is not alive.

Often I feel pinching and pressure on my cervix. I'm not sure, but I'm assuming this is normal with the cerclage. I haven't had any real bleeding.

Anyway, just wanted to post a quick update on how the pregnancy is going. We'll be finding out the gender soon. I am looking forward to that.

First Few Weeks of School

2009-09-08T00:28:00.006-04:00

These first few weeks of school have flown by rather quickly. Jamie really enjoys school and he likes his teacher. He still misses his preschool teacher some, though.

He hasn't brought home much work yet, but at the Open House his teacher said that she doesn't send much home in the beginning. She sent home a list of sight words and we're working on those. I put the words on cards and attached each group of words to key rings to help him learn.

Jamie is still resistant to using lower case letters. I'm not sure why, but his teacher is working with him on it and so am I.

His teacher has a red light, yellow light, green light system of rating behavior issues. So far he has not had any problems and has received a sticker every day.

Bunny Rescue

2009-09-07T22:54:00.003-04:00

Tonight I heard something screaming while I sat on the couch. I jumped up and ran out the door to discover my cat Wee 'un with this little rabbit in his mouth. I must have looked like a crazy fool chasing my cat and screaming for him to let it go. I finally grabbed my cat by the back of the neck and forced him to let it go. I threw Wee 'un in the house and ran to get a box. I ran back out to find the poor bunny surrounded by all three of the other neighborhood cats. The bunny ran into some tomato plants and then seemed to freeze in terror. Honestly, it had nowhere to go and no hope. I scooped him up and put him in the box. I threw Wee 'un back outside and googled information about the bunny. I think this is an Eastern cottontail, about a month and a half old. I put grass and some of the tomato plant in the box with a baby diaper and cotton balls to keep him warm. He has a tiny cut on his shoulder. It appears to be just a prick from my cats tooth. I'm not sure what to do with this little guy now. I guess I'll figure it out when my husband gets home this evening.

17 Weeks

2009-08-28T23:28:00.000-04:00

I finally broke down and took a picture of my baby bump.

Family Night

2009-08-21T23:31:00.003-04:00

Tonight was Family night. Matthew had to work, so it was just the two of us. I fixed steak, corn on the cob, green beans, and crescent rolls. Don't worry, the drink in the glass in just soda! I just wanted to make it feel special.

I rented the movie, The Tale of Despereaux. We got ready for bed and snuggled under the blanket on the couch. He told me that he loved the baby and told me to give the baby a hug. He wrapped his arms around his own tummy to demonstrate how I should accomplish this task. It was so precious. I asked him if he wanted to hug the baby and he said, "No, the baby is not in my tummy."

He fell asleep on my lap before the movie was over. I finished the movie myself holding him in my arms. I am sure going to miss these days when he gets too big to snuggle with Mommy.

First "Real" Day of Kindergarten

2009-08-21T23:09:00.004-04:00

Today Jamie went to his first full day of Kindergarten in his permanent class. He had his hair cut yesterday and he was such a big boy. I'm still trying to get used to his new look.

I really like his teacher. She seems so nice. He didn't have any trouble parting with me. The only tears were my own. I didn't make it out of the class without a few tears this time. That was kind of embarrassing. He just looked so big.

Once again he needed to take Eeyore into the building but quickly relinquished him.

Welcome to Kindergarten

2009-08-18T11:34:00.008-04:00

This morning started with a big breakfast. I fixed bacon, eggs, toast, strawberries, and milk. Dynisha spent the night so she could be with Jamie for his first day. I made much more bacon than I normally would. It is a special day. I wanted to start his day out right.

Jamie got himself dressed. He was excited about his new shoes. He wanted me to take a picture of them by themselves. I finally got him to agree to be in the picture with them.

Once the kids were dressed and ready to go they paused to let me take a few shots of them by the door. Jamie grabbed his lunch box and we were out the door. He was a little disappointed that he couldn't take his backpack today. He had picked out a yellow backpack. I don't know why, but that's what he wanted.

We loaded the kids into the car. Jamie insisted on taking Eeyore. He ended up relinquishing him when we left the school, but he did need to take him inside with him.

Jamie was a little nervous when we got to the school. He clung to me. I wanted to get pictures of him in front of the school and in the hallway, etc. but he was too frightened. It was very crowded. Dynisha walked with us. When we got to the classroom there was only one other child there already. This made it a little easier. Quickly he lost his death grip on me, gave up Eeyore, and found a spot at the table with the "shapes blocks". Matthew and I lingered as long as we dared. He asked me to stay with him. "I don't want you to leave me alone." He didn't cry, though. I told him that I couldn't stay, but that he wouldn't be alone. He resigned himself to the fact we were leaving, gave us "squishies" and went back to the table. We slipped out of the classroom and out the doors.

I made it all the way to the parking lot before I began to sob. I left my baby. My baby is not a baby anymore. He's a big boy, a kindergartner, and a big brother. Now it's time for me to go pick him up from school (thank goodness).

Preventative Cerclage

2009-08-16T10:10:00.005-04:00

I realize that all my research about incompetent cervix did not prepare me for the roller coaster of another pregnancy. I'm just as lost as anybody else. I question everything and find everything frightening. Baby B has survived the first trimester.

The first couple of hours were spent getting changed into a gown, getting an IV, and waiting around. Just before I was taken to the operating room for the procedure the nurse tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat. She couldn't find it. My heart began to pound. My doctor took the doppler and attempted to find the heartbeat. I couldn't even speak. I was so afraid. I lay there while they located a portable ultrasound machine. I don't think I took a breath while I waited to see the baby come into view. Then it was there, moving with a lovely little heartbeat.

It took nearly five hours for me to regain any movement and nearly six before I could walk and go home. I was told to stay on bed rest for twenty-four hours and then "light activity" for the next couple of weeks.

That night I had a lost of cramping and a pinching feeling in my vagina. I have continued to have cramping and occasionally that pinching feeling. I've had quite a bit of cervical mucus. There was enough that I even became concerned that my membranes might have ruptured and I went to the OR to let them check. Better safe than sorry. I saw my OB again on August 12TH. He checked the baby with the fetal doppler and this time was able to pick up the heartbeat just fine. He did a manual exam of my cervix and said that my cervix was closed. I had lost almost four pounds and he lectured me on increasing my calories.

My next appointment is September 9TH. I couldn't believe it was so long until my next appointment. I don't think I've ever had to wait that long. On top of that I won't have an ultrasound until the week after that. I've always wanted a "normal" pregnancy, but I don't like this part of it!! Knock on wood. I don't want any complications.

Happy Fifth Birthday, Jamie!

2009-08-06T11:25:00.008-04:00

This is the 1:04pm picture (the time of Jamie's birth)...

Jamie wanted a hand cake for his birthday. Jamie and I made this together. He put all the m&m's on the fingers and some on the sides. The poor cakes melted before we even got them to the park.

It was dark before the kids even got to the water. They only got to play for a short time. We roasted hot dogs on the grill and Jamie got lots of presents. I don't have a lot of pictures to post because I don't have permission to post pics of the other kids.

Brianna's getting so big, too.

Here's some memories from previous birthdays...

Jamie's Birth 1:04pm

Jamie's First Birthday 1:04pm

Jamie at His First Birthday Party

Jamie's Second Birthday 1:04pm Picture

Her's some pictures we had taken at The Picture People on his second birthday.

Here's a shot from his second birthday at the firehouse.

Jamie eating dinner on his third birthday.

Jamie at his third birthday party at Chuck E Cheese.

Jamie's Fourth Birthday Dinner at the Olive Garden.

Eating Cake at his zoo party on his Fourth Birthday.

He's grown so much!

July 20, 2009 Ultrasound Video

2009-07-25T13:07:00.000-04:00

The Cerclage is Scheduled

2009-07-24T03:07:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I've made it to 12 weeks. Originally my cerclage was supposed to be done between twelve and thirteen weeks but I opted to put it off just a little longer so I would have it done after Jamie's birthday. Preventative cerclages have really high success rates, so there is little reason for concern, but just in case I didn't want to do it before Jamie's birthday. There is also the concern that I might have some cramping and bleeding.

My cerclage is scheduled for August 5TH. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am. That sounds like fun. The cerclage won't be done until 7:30. I guess they need that time to get me signed in, get an epidural, and something to prevent contractions.

I need to call my doctor tomorrow and ask about an antibiotic. We didn't discuss it but I really want to take something to prevent infection. From my research, that is the biggest risk after a cerclage. I'd hate for things to go south over something that could be so easily prevented.

I'll try to get the video and ultrasound pics from Monday up soon.

Ultrasound Pictures 7/20/09

2009-07-20T10:03:00.000-04:00

11 weeks 4 Days

Pictures from The Cove

2009-07-19T19:59:00.004-04:00

I have been badly neglecting my poor blog. It's been a great summer, though. Jamie has been enjoying playing with friends. It's been nice getting out of the house for both of us. I think the last few weeks would have dragged on and on with this surprise pregnancy if it wasn't for that.

These are some pictures of the kids from The Cove (a nearby park). The kids really enjoyed it there so I'm going to have Jamie's birthday party there in a few weeks.

Poo in the Park

2009-07-12T21:07:00.005-04:00

*I didn't take this picture. I got this shot from a friend.

We went to The Cove a couple of weeks ago. While there Jamie's friend showed him how to pee outside. He loved this novel new ability and quickly had to test it out. A little while later my friend and I went to her car to get some picnic stuff and to take her daughter to the bathroom. When I got back I found Jamie in quite a state. It seems that he thought "If you can pee outside then you can poop outside, too." He had poop streaked legs. I took him to clean up and change, then went back to find the poo. Turns out he had pooped right in the playground in front of a bench where a lady was sitting. Poor Jamie was so distraught. "I don't want you to be mad at me Mommy." I was so embarrassed I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I picked up the poo and properly disposed of it.

My Flutter Bug

2009-07-07T21:18:00.012-04:00

Well, I don't have the software needed to change the video into a format that can be uploaded online so I recorded it with my camera so I could post my ultrasound video. For that reason there is a little running commentary. You can see the little flutter bug wiggle his/her feet. They even did a 3D picture, but it just looks like a silhouette.

You can also going to see them measuring my cervix. It is difficult to get accurate measurements at this gestation. This is an important part of my prenatal care due to my incompetent cervix. This is the beginning of assertaining baseline measurements so my OB can watch changes to my cervix.

Nine Week Ultrasound

2009-07-04T19:03:00.003-04:00

I haven't been online much. Life has been insane, but good. I seem to have lost time for the Internet and TV, not that it's necessarily a bad thing. I like logging what's going on, but a busy life is satisfying.

I thought I'd log on and update my pregnancy. I need to get on later and post some pictures from a trip to The Cove we took this week and the ultrasound video, but I'm not at home so I'll have to do that later.

UPDATE

I had an ultrasound on Thursday, July 2ND. Everything looked great. The baby even moved a little for us. You can see little hand and feet buds. Jamie was so excited to see "his baby" which he insists is a sister. My due date is now set for February 4, 2010. That's behind based on my menstrual cycle, but I probably ovulated late. Baby A, the one who passed away, is still visible and may not "vanish". It's strange that I was a little relieved to see it there, even though it is gone. The tech attempted to get the baseline measurement of my cervix, but at this time it's very difficult to get. She said we'll be seeing a lot of each other. It's always a good time when you know you'll be seeing a lot of the ultrasound tech. This is the plus side of being high risk.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for July 20TH. I'll have an ultrasound that's purpose is to check for Down Syndrome along with blood work to check for it due to my age. I would refuse it if I didn't get a bonus ultrasound. I am pro-life and even if I wasn't, I couldn't imagine aborting my baby just because he or she would have Down Syndrome. I guess if something is wrong this will give me time to do my homework so I'll have a better idea of how to prepare for a special needs newborn. Most likely the baby will be fine.

I don't' have a date set for the cerclage, but my OB said that he'll schedule the cerclage after I have that ultrasound. I should have it a few days later. The OB wants to place it between twelve and thirteen weeks. I could go longer before getting it but it should be placed before the cervix has had any chance to be compromised at all. My motivation for wanting it is as soon as possible is simply to get the scary stuff over with as soon as possible. I think I'll be able to breathe a lot easier once it's over.

The OB says that I'll have no restrictions at all after the cerclage. I can't believe it. I won't even be on pelvic rest after a few weeks. I might actually have the "normal" pregnancy that I've always dreamed of. I might get to go to the store with a huge belly and have strangers try to touch it. I might get to have maternity pictures taken. I might even have a baby shower, even though that may be considered tacky for a second pregnancy. I didn't get to do that with Jamie. I might get to nest and fix up my own nursery. When my water breaks this time it actually be time to have the baby. I might go to term. I might not have a baby in the NICU at all. I might breast feed my baby the day he/she is born. When I think about the possibilities I just get so excited.

The Night Life

2009-06-26T22:08:00.003-04:00

McKalah came over for a little while tonight. The kids enjoyed chasing fireflies and stargazing. I didn't notice in the dark that Jamie had wet his pants. I guess he was having so much fun he didn't want to stop to pee.

Is Our Baby a Girl?

2009-06-26T21:43:00.002-04:00

The kids are apparently sure that this baby is a girl. Jamie says the baby's name is Jen and McKalah wants me to name the baby Bella. I'm afraid that Jamie won't get his wish with the name Jen, it's not on our list. Bella is actually a distinct possibility. The moment she said it, I thought, hmmm, that is pretty.

Fun in the Sun

2009-06-25T01:16:00.002-04:00

Goodbye My Tiny Miracle

2009-06-25T00:08:00.003-04:00

Baby B

Baby B & the final pictures of Baby A

Baby B & the final picture of Baby A

You were with us such a short time, but I know we will think of you often.

Done With HCG

2009-06-24T18:12:00.003-04:00

My hcg level on Monday was 54,000. Today it is 59,486. I no longer have to go every other day to have my levels checked. I go back a week from today on July 2nd for my first "real" appointment. I'll get another ultrasound when I go. It will be the first time that Matthew and Jamie get to see the baby, except in the pictures. I wonder if you'll still be able to see Baby A. It's awful because I kind of hope you can. I don't want him to be gone.

I'm having a little bit of trouble right now because I don't feel pregnant. I have quite a bit of cramping and sharp pains. Matthew said that happened when I was pregnant with Jamie, but I don't remember it. I remember feeling a bit crampy around four weeks and thinking I had a failed cycle.

I really can't wait until the first trimester is over. I really think I'll be able to relax a little bit once the cerclage is placed and I'm past the danger zone for initial cerclage complications (ruptured membranes, infection, etc.).

I'm not at home right now. When I get home I'll put up my ultrasound shots from Monday.

Quick Update

2009-06-22T17:48:00.001-04:00

Baby A did not have a heartbeat today. Baby B looks good.

Is One More Miracle Too Much to Ask For?

2009-06-19T17:26:00.004-04:00

My hcg is 43,143.20 and my progesterone is 29.6. That progesterone level is awsome. The hcg level rose even less than it did last time. I'm sure that this means that my tiny little Baby A is gone, but I can't stand having this up in the air until July 2nd. I begged for an ultrasound. She said that it was so close to the last one that we wouldn't see much different. I told her that I just want to see if there were still two. She said that the ultrasound tech would be there on Monday and when I come to have my levels run again she would try to get me a scan if they weren't too busy.

I really wanted them both. I really feel that it's already over for Baby A, but miracles happen, so if you could just say an extra prayer for my tiny little baby, maybe God will give me one more miracle.

Worried

2009-06-19T00:39:00.002-04:00

I don't think that my hcg results today were very good. The progesterone was very good, but the hcg level did not rise all that much. I wonder if Baby A is gone.

hcg 38,284
progesterone 22.6

I'm going in to have it checked again in the morning.

Sweet

2009-06-17T21:27:00.003-04:00

Jamie was so sweet this morning...

Jamie: "Mommy?"
Me: "Yes, baby."
Jamie: "Are the babies still in your tummy?"
Me: "I hope so."

I tried to keep the fact that there were two under wraps a little, but he caught on fast.

Fetal Heart Rates

2009-06-16T14:24:00.002-04:00

I didn't ask what the the fetal heart rates were when I was at the appointment, but it's been on my mind today. I finally called and asked the nurse to look for me. Baby A's heart rate was 115 and Baby B's heart rate was 121.

hcg and Progesterone Levels

2009-06-16T09:59:00.002-04:00

Quick post to log my first hcg level and progesterone level.

hcg 30,938
progesterone 20.1

My progesterone looks good. The hcg level doesn't mean anything until I have it run again, which I have to do tomorrow. I wish my OB wasn't so far away from the house.

Cautiously Optimistic

2009-06-16T02:41:00.004-04:00

The appointment was strange. I set off early because I am notorious for getting myself lost. I did actually get a little lost, but quickly found an alternate route without setting myself back too much and without any panic.

I had convinced myself over the course of my restless night that this was an ectopic pregnancy. I'm having some sharp pains and in my world an ectopic pregnancy would be the worst case scenario. I could imagine seeing a beautiful little heartbeat and discovering it was located in a tube and would have to be removed. I'd have to kill my living little baby. I couldn't imagine anything worse. To say that I was pessimistic about the outcome of my appointment would be an understatement.

We got to my appointment about half an hour early, but that ended up being a good thing since both the kids and I had to use the restroom by the time we arrived. I was called back almost as soon as I completed the paperwork to update my file. I was taken straight back to the ultrasound room. They didn't want me to take the kids in under the circumstances and I reluctantly left them in the waiting room.

The tech inserted the wand and immediately a sac came into view. A immediately saw the flicker on the screen. It registered in my head before I heard the words, "There's a heartbeat." I'm not sure what I said, something small and ineffectual like, "Oh, good." I didn't respond at all like I thought I would. I didn't cry. To be honest, I felt kind of numb. Don't get me wrong. I was happy, but I didn't have the outpouring of emotions that I expected.

The tech started exploring, searching for the areas that caused me pain. The baby came in and out of view. She took repeated measurements. I watched on the large flat screen in front of me. She turned on the sound and the heartbeat was measured. I listened to the rapid beating of my baby's heart. She stopped and moved around, then turned it on again. Again I listed to the rapid beating heart. When she was done she told me to relax a few minutes while she went to see if the doctor wanted to see me in the ultrasound room or if he would like for me to go on in to another room. I lie there, just kind of blank. I stared at the still image on the screen in front of me.

She came back in and said that he would see me in an examination room, but she wanted to talk to me about the findings before I went out. "There are two." She explained that she didn't want to show me during the ultrasound because one was much smaller than the other, but that they both had heartbeats. I didn't respond at all. She showed me the ultrasounds and explained what I was seeing. Baby A was smaller and didn't have much fluid in his/her sac. Baby B looked great. There is no way to predict what will happen. I might miscarry Baby A or he/she might absorbed (become a vanishing twin). I might go back next time and find that they are both fine.

No tears. No reaction. I stared blankly as she spoke. I can't even remember if I was thinking anything. I just nodded in recognition of her words.

"There's also a fibroid tumor. That may be what's causing your pain." Fibroid. I know what that is. Generally harmless. Check. She might have said more. I don't know. She popped her head out the door, "Do we have a room ready for Laura?" No. I was sent back to the waiting room. Two sets of eyes met me. Dynisha, who knew what was going on, looked at me expectantly. I smiled at her and sat down. I showed her the pictures the tech had picked out to give me. "This is one baby and this tiny spot here is the other baby." Dynisha squealed, "Twins! There are two?!!" Suddenly I noticed that the waiting room was full and all eyes were on us. Smiles passed around the room. "Shh, calm down. I don't want you to get too excited," I told her, "Baby A is very small and might not make it. We'll have to wait and see." At this point Jamie's attention was drawn. "This is your baby brother or sister." I told him. "I don't like boys," he said, "I love sisters." He examined the pictures, trying to figure out where the baby was. I told him the baby was in my tummy like when Hayden was in Aunt Rachel's tummy. He got that and then was disinterested and went back to playing.

Dynisha continued to babble on excitedly until they called me into the back. This time I took the kids with me. Dr. McCauley came in. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again." I told him. He smiled. We chatted briefly about Jamie and Matt and my friend Geri, who was his patient as well during her pregnancies. He told me everything looked good. He did a small internal exam, still trying to ascertain the source of my pain. We're still unsure.

He started to say that Baby A was smaller. I finished his sentence for him. "It might not make it." I finished it wrong. He said something about it possibly catching up by my next visit. He said something about me not being so frightened. I had problems in the past, but I had two heartbeats. He sounded like he wasn't worried at all about Baby A. I said, "I'm cautiously optimistic." That's my new catch phrase.

Prenatal vitamins, a dozen vials of blood, results in the morning, cerclage at twelve weeks... the rest is a blur.

I checked out. My next appointment is set for July 2ND. I recognized the nurse behind the counter. I have a picture of her hold Jamie just weeks after he was born. This is surreal. I didn't think I'd ever be back here.

We all had to take a restroom break again. I tried to decide how to tell Matt. He was anxiously awaiting my call. I had promised to call as soon as I knew anything. I wanted to tell him immediately. It was almost an hour drive to get home. That would be a long time for him to wait to hear something. But twins. How could I give him this news over the phone? I couldn't. I wanted to show him the ultrasound picture. I thought about how to tell him on the drive home. I thought of some cute things to say, but when I finally arrived I blanked. He looked terrified when he saw me. I felt the blank expression that was still on my face. I probably looked sad. He would expect me to be smiling and jumping for joy if there was a heartbeat. He rushed out the office door to greet me. "There's a heartbeat." I said, handing him the ultrasound pictures. Relief washed over his face. "Actually, there are two heartbeats." I told him. His eyes got big. I pointed out the babies and explained the situation with Baby A. Matt was so excited he barely registered the customer that was in his lobby. He stared at the pictures in dazed amazement. Soon he was bragging to the customer about his twins and showing her the ultrasound. As soon as she was out the door he called his mother. Dynisha was upset because she wanted to tell their mother. Matt told her, "Too bad. She's my mother, too, and I want to tell her." Then he started compiling his mental list of who to call. I guess we're not waiting to tell people. Just as well. I can't keep my mouth shut either.

I can envision Baby A being absorbed as I sit here. I don't want anything to happen to him/her. I want them both. I spend a lot of time praying, which much more resembles begging God. I don't know how I'll survive the two and a half weeks until my next ultrasound.

I've gone through the day in a daze. It borders on emotionless. To say that I'm emotionless is not correct, though. I'm really excited. I'm really scared. I'm just not responding for some reason. Maybe this is shock or it hasn't really sunk in yet. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel disconnected right now.

Jamie kissed my tummy earlier. That did make me smile.

Though googling is generally a bad idea in these situations, I did. Actually it was a little comforting. I found lots of stories of one baby being much smaller and both surviving. I even found stories of only one having a heartbeat during the first ultrasound and the next ultrasound both babies being fine. I did find stories of vanishing twins, too, but there were more about miracle babies than vanishing twins. Cautiously optimistic. Cautiously optimistic.

Bump, Bump... Bump, Bump

2009-06-15T15:54:00.004-04:00

We have a heartbeat. Actually, we have two heartbeats! I'm abut 7 weeks along with twins. Baby A is smaller and doesn't have much fluid around him/her. We're not sure how Baby A will do. I'm praying for the best. I can't believe this.

A Miracle

2009-06-14T14:28:00.006-04:00

Today I'm praying for a miracle.

My period is late. That's not unusual for me. I had been thinking about buying a pregnancy test, but had been resisting the urge. It's always a waste of money for me. Last night when Matt called to see if I needed him to get anything on his way home, I asked him to pick up the cheapest pregnancy test he could get. He bought a dollar test. I immediately went to the bathroom and took it. It turned positive the moment my urine hit the line. I was floored. I told Matt. To make sure he went to the store and bought another test. It came back positive immediately, as well. I must be between 7 and 8 weeks pregnant. I've been cramping and I know my odds. I don't make babies. I make angels. Even so, I really want this baby to stick. I couldn't sleep last night. I just kept begging God to let me keep this baby. I wish it wasn't the weekend. I want to go to the doctor. I want my HCG level taken. I want my progesterone taken. I want an ultrasound and see if there is a beating heart. There probably isn't, but I want to know now.

Little Pigs

2009-06-12T21:28:00.003-04:00

The kids wanted me to record the little dance they made up. Please excuse the mess they've made in the playroom. It's atrocious, but the kids are adorable! I had to share.

Low Carb Crock Pot Chili

2009-06-12T17:52:00.004-04:00

This recipe made everyone in my family happy, low-carb dieter or not. This is kind of spicy. I love spicy foods. If I'm not cooking for the kids I will add even more red pepper, but I don't want to burn the kids up. This is how I prepared it tonight for the family...

2 lbs of ground beef

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon of cumin

2 teaspoons of red pepper (to cook with meat)

1 teaspoon red pepper (to add to pot)

1 teaspoon of black pepper

1/2 medium size onion (chopped small)

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

2 cloves of garlic (minced)

6 oz can of tomato paste

1 quart water

Brown meat with 2 teaspoons of red pepper. When done, drain fat from meat and put the meat in the crock pot. Add remaining ingredients. This needs to cook at least four hours on high. You can simmer it all day on low if you want. In my book, the longer the better. I just didn't have time to cook it so long today.

This recipe has less than 30 carbs for the entire pot. It is another one of those recipes that you can have your fill of without too much concern.

Walking, Sprinker, and Sun, Sun, Sun.

2009-06-12T17:31:00.003-04:00

Ugh, I'm a little toasted today. Jamie and I walked to the store to get some laundry soap and tomato paste. It's about a mile and a half from the house. Then I decided to treat him and we walked to Jefferson Fountain Restaurant, a small local diner, where he had a corn dog and fries and I had a hamburger. I bought him a hand dipped mint chocolate chip ice cream cone on the way out.

Jamie was complaining that he wanted to go home. He was over all the walking. Two to two and a half miles is a pretty long distance for a little guy, I guess. I decided to stop by my mother-in-law's house and see if we could get a ride home. We stayed to visit for about an hour and then Matt's aunt brought us home. Dynisha wanted to come, too.

I had picked up Jamie some water balloons at the store while we were there. I helped the kids fill up about a dozen of them and they had a water balloon fight in the back yard. When the balloons ran out they wanted to play in the sprinkler. They got popsicles while I set it up. What's better than playing in the sprinkler on a hot summer day? I was tempted to play myself. I bet that cold water would feel amazing on my burning back, but I figured the last thing I needed was more sun.

Graduation

2009-06-05T23:33:00.005-04:00

Jamie graduated from preschool today. In some ways it seems that the five months passed by very quickly. In some ways I can't believe he was only in school five months. It feels like he was there the whole year.

McKalah graduated today, too. They had their graduations at different times, but I went to both. I got plenty of pictures together. In thirteen years I might very well be taking pictures of them together again at graduation. If James doesn't move out of Oak Ridge they should be in the same graduating class in High School. I have a sneaking suspicion that it is only a heartbeat away.

It's funny, the first day I took him to preschool I cried. As I left the building for the last time, I cried, too. Jamie hugged and kissed his teachers. I was surprised because he doesn't really hug and kiss anyone besides Mckalah, Dynisha, and Brianna and Mommy, of course.

Low Carb Spinach Cheeseburger Quiche

2009-06-01T21:59:00.007-04:00

I said I wanted to try this recipe with spinach and I am so glad I did. This is my new favorite dish! My husband loved it and he won't eat cooked vegetables. This was so beyond fabulous, even he couldn't resist. I also replaced the half-n-half with heavy cream & only used half an onion to reduce the carb content. I'm not sure what the net carbs are. I didn't count with the changes. It's really low, though. I could eat the whole thing and not mess up my diet!

1 lb. lean hamburger meat
1/2 onion (chopped)
4 slices of crispy cooked bacon
3 eggs
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup heavy cream (should have 0 carbs)
8 oz, shredded cheddar cheese
9 oz. fresh spinach
garlic powder to taste
pepper to taste

Brown hamburger meat in skillet with onion. Remove and drain excess grease. Mix in a food processor with bacon using the S attachment until all clumps are broken up and it is a fine, consistent mix. Press into the bottom of a deep dish pie pan or casserole dish.

While cooking the hamburger meat, steam the spinach for about 10 minutes. If you don't have a steamer, you can boil it. I prefer steaming vegetables. Chop it up a bit when you get it out. It will break up when you blend it anyway, but it helps to get it started.

Preheat oven to 350.

Combine eggs, mayonnaise, half-n-half, shredded cheese, spinach, garlic powder, and pepper in a mixing bowl and mix well. Pour mixture into pan on top of the hamburger meat. Bake 40-45 minutes or until top is browned and set. Cool 15-20 minutes before slicing.

Bacon Cheeseburger Quiche

2009-05-28T17:13:00.007-04:00

1 lb. lean hamburger meat
1 small onion (chopped)
4 slices of crispy cooked bacon
3 eggs
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup half-n-half (check labels for carb content)
8 oz, shredded cheddar cheese
garlic powder to taste
pepper to taste

Brown hamburger meat in skillet with onion. Remove and drain excess grease. Mix in a food processor with bacon using the S attachment until all clumps are broken up and it is a fine, consistent mix. Press into the bottom of a deep dish pie pan or casserole dish.

Preheat oven to 350.

Combine eggs, mayonnaise, half-n-half, shredded cheese, garlic powder, and pepper in a mixing bowl and mix well. Pour mixture into pan on top of the hamburger meat. Bake 40-45 minutes or until top is browned and set. Cool 15-20 minutes before slicing.

Makes 6 serving with about 2 grams net carbs per serving.

I'd like to try this recipe next time with some fresh spinach in with the filling. I bet that would be fabulous.

The Cost of Giving

2009-05-27T12:03:00.003-04:00

When I was a little girl in kindergarten, there was another girl in my class who didn't own any dresses at all. I had a closet full of them. In fact, I barely owned a pair of shorts. It was beyond my ability to comprehend a girl without dresses. When the child confided in me the fact that she had no dresses, that they in fact did not have the money for dresses, I was floored. As soon as I got home I begged my parents to let me give her some of mine. How could they refuse? I didn't just pick out some of my least favorites. I picked out the prettiest ones I had and gave them to the girl. This is a story that my mother proudly tells to this day.

It should be no surprise to me that my son has a generous heart. My husband and I are both givers and we would expect no less of him. Sometimes there are great consequences to giving, especially when you give up something you love.

I had noticed that Jamie was slipping his cars to school and that they were not coming back. I didn't think much of it, since he has a bloody billion. They're also small and easy to lose. Yesterday, however, he pitched a fit to take meerkat to school. This is not unusual. He loves meerkat. When I got him off the bus he told me, "I gave Shawnte my meerkat." Thinking that it was just on the bus with another child I went back to the bus and told the driver that he had left his stuffed animal. She said, "Oh, no, he gave the meerkat to Shawnte. I hope you don't mind." I mumbled something about getting it back later, knowing I probably would never see it again, despite his name being written on the tag.

On the walk to the house Jamie tried to explain about giving the meerkat to Shawnte. I asked him if he meant to give it away forever. I told him he would never get to see meerkat again. He told me that he understood.

At 12:30am Jamie woke up with a night terror. I calmed and coaxed him. I brought him to bed with me and gathered up all three Eeyores. "Where's meerkat?!!" I knew it. "Honey, you gave meerkat away. He's not here. His eyes welled up with tears, but he didn't argue like I had thought he would. I thought he would demand I get it and have us both in a panicked frenzy. It didn't happen. I was relieved. This is Jamie's first lesson about the cost of being a giver. I don't think it will change his attitude about giving. He just knows the true sacrifice now.

Easy Low Carb Hamburger Soup

2009-05-23T11:09:00.009-04:00

This was just a quick experiment because I was craving something different, but I wanted it to be really simple. This whole pot has 25 net carbs. You decide your serving size. This is tasty even if you are not counting your carb intake.

1 can of beef broth
1 can of diced tomatoes
1 can of green beans (drained)
1 clove of garlic (minced)
pepper, oregano, and basil to taste
2 lb ground beef (browned)

Combine all ingredients in your crock pot to cook slow or in a 2 quart pot to cook fast. I set my crock pot to cook for 6 hours on high since I was preparing it for dinner.

This recipe reheated wonderfully. I fed my family with it one night and then I ate on it for the next several days. I actually picked out some of the tomatoes to lower my carbs. perhaps if I make it again I will use a little tomato paste instead of diced tomatoes.

Field Trip to Melton Hill

2009-05-21T05:08:00.004-04:00

Tuesday we went on a field trip with Jamie's class again. This was the most wonderful field trip that we've been on. It was a camping field trip to Melton Hill. We set up tents for the kids to play in. We went on a walk and stopped at the little "beach" area so the kids could play in the sand. The teachers brought pails and shovels. Some of the kids threw sticks and rocks in the water.

At the camp site we blew bubbles, played with toy bugs, ate grilled hot dogs, and roasted marshmallows. They worked with five kids at a time so they could roast the marshmallows themselves. When they were nicely roasted they got to make s'mores. I resisted for as long as I could, but eventually gave in and ate a s'more. I had never eaten a s'more before. Mmmm, it was heavenly. Jamie really liked them, too. The time passed so quickly that I was shocked when it was time to get back on the bus.

There was a down side to our field trip. I forgot my camera. I'll get pictures from the other parents and teacher later, but I won't get the shots I would have taken if I had my own. My stomach knotted up each time I saw Jamie doing something I would have loved to get a picture of... building a sand castle, blowing bubbles, holding a skewer rotating two fat marshmallows over an open flame, relishing a s'more with marshmallow smeared all over his mouth and fingers, etc. I still feel sick to my stomach over it.

Food Preferences

2009-05-17T08:22:00.003-04:00

Do you think that babies really develop their main food preferences in the womb? I do. The more time passes, the more he eats like I did when I was pregnant. He got up this morning demanding cheese with mustard for breakfast. When I was pregnant I ate cheddar cheese dipped in mustard all the time. He loves spicy foods. I ate a lot of spicy foods when I was pregnant. He loves hot and spicy pork rinds, which I ate a lot when I was pregnant since I was on a carb restricted diet.

There's Less of Me

2009-05-16T04:20:00.005-04:00

I've been on my low-carb diet again. I really want to drop some weight before Jamie starts school in the fall. I want to have more confidence when I start meeting other parents. I don't want the first impression to be "fat and lazy". I've been trying to walk every day, though I admit I haven't been following through with that very well. I am doing well on my diet. I did cheat on Mother's Day for that strawberry pie, but I've always believed in permissible cheating on occasion. If you don't allow yourself some indulgence every few months then you won't follow through.

The kids broke my scales a few months ago, so I can't gauge my weight, but I found a method to use in the meantime that is probable a better gauge anyway. I took all my measurements and also tried on a dress I love that is about two sizes too small. I could manage to squeeze into it, but could not zip it. When I tried it on the other day I could zip it, but I'm busting at the seams. I lost two inches off my waist and one off my bust (darn it).

Because of financial restrictions, my diet is not as varied as I would like. I eat plain salad at least twice a day. I eat lean hamburger and chicken for almost every meal. My uncle brought me some great steaks last week and I really loved the indulgence. I'm generally a chicken person, though. I try to keep some snacks like pork rinds and almonds around. Sometimes my husband picks me up some sugar free candy for a treat. He also buys sugar free popsicles for Jamie and I. I also keep stocked on cheese. A couple of days ago he picked me up some low carb wraps. I can only eat one of them a day, but it's great for a change and Jamie loves them, too.

The best part of being on the diet is that I no longer need medication for my diabetes. Keeping my carbs really low keeps my blood sugar in check for the most part. I've had some highs, but nothing higher than one hundred sixty. That's much better than before when I would frequently have blood glucose levels of three to four hundred on medication.

I also have a good baseline to go by medically since I had blood work done about a week before starting the diet. In a few months I'll ask my doctor to check my blood work again and see if my liver enzymes, cholesterol, A1C levels, and blood counts have improved. I'll let you know when I do that. That's a ways off. I want to have been on the diet long enough to see some significant change. I was also weighed, so I'm going to try to stop in and use their scales so I can see my progress. I know I've lost weight, but it helps to see the numbers.

I didn't think I could do this on a budget. It's harder. I can't have all the extras that make this easier. I also didn't think I could do it without Matthew following the diet as well. I think that I've finally become so determined that nothing can bother me. I sit with Matthew and Jamie while they eat things I love but can't have and it doesn't bother me.