Here I Am Again

Here I am again on my completely neglected blog.  A little over a year ago this blog was really important to me.  I got up in the morning or even in the middle of the night.  I made sure I posted the little things in our lives so that I could preserve them for posterity.  What has taken away my ability to blog away the serious and the mundane?  I've posted no sweet stories of Bella and Jamie getting to know each other.  This process has been slow, yet so rewarding to me as a parent.  I've missed documenting Jamie's first day of school and the huge changes that are taking place with him, and in him this year.  I've posted no cute little kidisms, first smiles, first teeth, soccer losses or victories.  I could blame it on the hectic life of now having two children, but that's not it.  Most bloggers have a hectic life.  It seems to me that the more hectic ones life become the more interesting their blogs usually get.  Documenting my life, or more accurately, my children's life is no less important to me, yet I don't get it done.  Now all the little things I might have posted when they happened are lost in the recesses of my memory, some to be recalled at a later date and some lost forever.

Bella is now seven months old and quite the cutie.  Right now she and my son are in the next room.  I'd say they were watching TV together, but that's not what is going on.  Jamie's singing to her and, I can imagine, jumping up in her face and yelling to make her smile.  Bella starts to fuss and Jamie goes back to singing, "Goo, goo, ga, gaaaa.  Booo!  Goo, goo, ga, gaaaaa.  Boooo!!"  She fusses again and I hear the spitting match begin.  "Bella, look here.  Bella."  The sound of a raspberry spit, followed by another and another.  A few months ago I didn't think he would ever talk to her, much less play with her.

I am grateful that he is distracting her.  I want a few moments to myself.  It's been a long week and the coming week shows no signs of being better.  I ended August with a positive pregnancy test.  I stared at the test in disbelief.  I didn't even know how to react. A million things ran through my head.  I just got over all the illness that comes with giving birth.  I'm not ready for pancreatitis again.  I'm not ready for possible bed rest.  I'm room mom this year!  I've been waiting forever to do this.  Did I mention that Bella is only seven months old?!!  I come out of the bathroom with my test.  My husband smiles.  He's so happy and I don't know what I am.  We wanted a big family and thought it was impossible.  Now look at us.  Yet, I am not smiling. 

I wanted to see the baby right away, but couldn't get into the doctor for a couple of weeks.  I go to the ER.  All they see is a sac.  They don't see a fetal pole.  My hcg level is 7000.  I should be six weeks two days according to my last menstrual cycle.  Bella was a couple of weeks off by my menstrual cycle when I found out about her and her twin last year, though.  I went in to my OB on the 7TH for bloodwork.  My progesterone was 14 and my hcg level was 21,336.3.  My OB started me on progesterone.  I went back on the 9TH and my progesterone was 21 and my hcg level was 24,444.6.  I go back on Monday to have it done again.  I know what those numbers mean, but despite all my conflicting emotions, I want to have this baby so I try to pretend it could be okay.  I'll beg for an ultrasound soon so that we can quit dragging this out.  I should be seven weeks five days today.  Even if I was off by two weeks they should be able to see a heartbeat next week if this pregnancy is viable.