Kidisms 7/28/08

Matt went to work out the other night with a friend. He scheduled himself to leave her a little after 10pm so he could be here when Jamie went to bed. Jamie did not go to bed as planned and wanted to wait up for his Daddy. "Daddy's at work, Mommy. I need to wait for Daddy to get home from work." After a bit of fussing I let him lay on the couch and wait. He fell asleep and was adorable.

Matt picked him up a Happy Meal one day that has a toy motion detector for doors that sets off an alarm. Jamie has been carefully monitoring my comings and goings from the office with that thing today.

Obstacle Chronicles 7/25/08

M spent the night last night. Before I even got up this morning they had completely demolished the playroom and Jamie's bedroom. You wouldn't even believe the mess. It's still there now. I haven't been able to muster the energy to clean it up.

Jamie and M fought over everything this morning. M took his blanket and he had a total meltdown. He was kicking and screaming in the floor.

Some interesting developments since the last time I wrote. Our potty troubles seem to have ended. He peeing in the potty standing up. I think he just had to figure out what was comfortable for him. I'm extremely happy about that.

After threatening to take away his Eeyores as punishment, they both disappeared. I think he hid them because he's not too concerned about their whereabouts, which is unusual. We've had some mad hunts for one missing Eeyore, much less two missing Eeyores. We found one behind a rolling cart in the office. He's since gone missing again.

The demands for food are still raging. Today he wanted constant food and snacks. I don't know what to do about that. He can't eat all day long. I don't know where he's putting all that food. Mostly, I don't know what to do while I'm preparing food and he's crying because he can't stand to wait.

Since M left around noon, the day was pretty easy. He played well by himself and was pretty lovable to me. I miss having more days just the two of us.

Update 7/24/08

I've been slacking on my obstacle chronicles since our last visit with the psychologist. I guess I am afraid that I'm chronicling my failures as a parent and making my son look like a bad boy, which he is not. He's really not.

He has a language evaluation on Monday, August 11, 2008. I look forward to some insight into his issues in this area. It seems to me that he has plenty of words, he just has trouble putting them together and communicating well. Often he has trouble explaining things, especially when he's upset.

The psychologist wants us to continue the obstacle chronicles. I wish my husband was up to the challenge of helping me with this task. For tonight, I have nothing.

Eggs

We went to the zoo today with a friend of mine and her kids. I took Jamie, Brianna, and Dynisha. At first everyone seemed pretty cranky. They were hot, hungry, and had missed nap time. After we fed them we had to give up on the idea of actually seeing all the animals and took the kids to Kids Cove where they have a big sand box and a water feature for the kids to play in. The kids had a blast once we got there and didn't want to leave.

Jamie really cracked me up. He found the "barn" where they had wooden eggs to find and put in baskets. He loved the eggs. He kind of has an obsession with them. At home he gets them out of the refrigerator every time I turn my back. He doesn't like to eat them, but he loves them.

He must have spent a good hour and a half in the barn. He tried to solicit other kids into playing with him. He couldn't seem to understand why they would want to play in the water when there eggs to play with.



I was so proud of him, too. Usually kids coming in and messing up his eggs would have led to a melt down. I thought I was going to be filming an epic tantrum, but he just rolled with the flow.

Kidisms 7/19/08

My friend was trying to take a picture of Jamie. She told him to say cheese. He said, "Where's the cheese? I don't see the cheese."

Jamie's First Visit with the Psychologist in a Nutshell

Jamie met the psychologist today. When he came out, Jamie was very shy and wouldn't talk to him. Then the doctor asked him if he was ready to go do some stuff with him and Jamie got right out of the chair and went with him. My husband and I were both in shock.

I'm tired tonight so I'm going to sum up the appointment in a nutshell.

His verbal skills are behind. His non-verbal skills are advanced. We can't be sure about much else. He'll need further testing, but there are some indicators that it is not Aspergers. His motor skills seemed okay and so did his eye to eye contact. The psychologist said he couldn't rule out Aspergers right now, though. He told me to keep up my chronicles. Jamie's going to start speech therapy. He'll be doing more evaluating.

Obstacle Chronicles 7/14

Today went well. He went to the bathroom on his own all day. I really think he was just trying to find a way to make it work standing up. He keeps peeing on the seat, which my bottom doesn't appreciate, but I'd rather that than continually fighting him to go to the bathroom.

We had some issues with him jumping on the bed and other furniture.

Repeated demands for food.

Some hitting while fighting with M.

He cried because he didn't want to go to bed.

Other than that it was pretty easy.

Always Weighing on My Mind

I'm feeling kind of sad tonight. My husband and I want another baby so badly, but it seams we will never be in a financial position for it to happen. I try to remain optimistic, but as the time passes and we keep struggling I find it more and more difficult. When do I have to let this go?

Today, while we were on our road trip to deliver the bed, my husband said he wished he had a daughter. It's rare that he really talks about his desire to have another child. It's not about a daughter, though we would both like to have a little girl.

We are surrounded by people who don't realize what they have. So many don't know how precious a gift their children really are. I get so angry and frustrated at the unfairness of who gets to be parents and who doesn't. I used to half joke that crack must be a potent fertility drug.

We gave up everything to have Jamie and now we struggle a lot with money. I try not to get depressed about it. I would do it all over again to have him. Occasionally I get bogged down and really do feel sorry for myself, though. It's not fair that we had to mortgage the house to have a baby when there are people doing drugs and having babies, throwing babies in the trash, neglecting and abusing their precious babies, etc.

I am angry and sometimes I'm entitled to be angry. At one time I was angry so much that it consumed my life. Now Jamie is here and he consumes my life. Sometimes I still want more. Family and friends often tell me that I should be grateful for the one I have. They have no idea what it is to be grateful for a child like I do. I've never been so grateful for anything in my whole life. That doesn't mean that I don't have the right to long for my dream of a larger family.

This is always weighing heavy on my heart and is always on my mind. I don't feel quite complete. I feel like I am broken and my body won't perform it's most primal of functions. Why is my heart and my mind built to want children so badly, but my body is built to destroy them?

Kidisms 7/13

Jamie had a green bug juice and M wanted to try it. Jamie said, "It's yucky, Kalah!" He took a drink and spit (like blowing a raspberry). It was cute.

Obstacle Chronicles 7/13

Today we got up late after last nights fiasco in the traffic. We had to get up and get dressed to get on the road for another attempt at delivering the bed. This time we took back roads with success.

We had McKalah with us this trip. Jamie was frequently annoyed by her and spent a lot of time arguing with her and telling her to , "Be quiet." and to "Stop it." She just talks a lot and makes a lot of noises.

When the car would get too quiet he would break the silence with a scream. I had a lot of problems with him kicking the back of my seat.

He was still very good.

At home we had the same issues with him refusing to go to the bathroom and demanding food. He wasn't satisfied with any food. He specifically wanted candy, which I repeatedly refused. He tried to push me and pull me. He tried to block my way when I would try to move away from him when he demanded. He didn't throw a major tantrum, though.

He put himself to bed in my bed tonight. Here shortly my husband will move him to his own bed. Hopefully he'll transition easily.