Dying Dreams

Matthew and I were watching a television special about a family with 17 kids (not the Duggers). At some point in the show one of the kids said something about it being nice to have brothers and sisters because you always have someone to fall back on. I wasn't paying attention to it and missed this sentiment altogether, but Matthew became misty eyed. He told me a little while later that he wished he could give that to Jamie. We never wanted 17, but we had dreamed of a large family.

A large family is not in the cards for us. We have many babies in Heaven, but only the one on Earth and it is very likely to remain that way. It makes me very sad and sometimes I just get angry at this body of mine. We have lost so much due to my body. We lost our chance for a large family, our financial security, and all the little things that come with both.

I was at my mother-in-law's house the other day and my husband's aunt asked me for the millionth time if we were going to have anymore. I said that I doubted we would. She said, "Good. God didn't intend for you to have babies. You'll probably die if you have anymore." I'm so tired of hearing crap like that. It really pisses me off. I'm tired of people telling me what God means and God wants. I've read it in magazines. I've heard it in so many different forms from so many different people. They just need to stop.

Winding Down

I lay on the couch with my precious son laying across me. With one arm cradled around his body and his head resting on my arm, I watched him sleep so peacefully. His little hands were in fists like when he was a baby. One soft little hand gently gripped my index finger. His cheeks were rosy and his breathing soft. I felt the soft skin of his arms. I marveled at his fingers. I kissed the top of his head. The once downy soft blond hair is changing slowly to brown and is growing slightly more coarse, though his hair is thin. It smells vaguely of watermelon kids shampoo.

Midnight had come and gone, but I didn't want to move.

From my view above his head, he looks so angelic. I can still see my little baby in my growing boy. During the day I only get little hit and run hugs and kisses. He climbs on and off me. It's hard to get a moment to just cuddle him and relax. Our time together is filled with movement, noise, and rambunctious play. Once in awhile I get to just quietly enjoy this little being I worked so hard to get. He's so precious and so beautiful. The trials of the day melt away as I watch him sleep.