This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son, Jamie. This blog is a combination of everything, whether it may be a new recipe I tried, a good freebie I found, something funny Jamie said, or feelings I'm having about life in general. There's little rhyme or reason. I'll never win any blogging awards, but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son. It's so easy to forget moments over the years. I've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them.

I called this blog Mother of Life, Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world. Truly, I feel the pains of loss, but you won't see too much of that here. I am blessed and I am, above all else, a mother of life.

After all the years of infertility and loss, Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy. We were pregnant with twins, but unfortunately, Baby A could not stay with us. Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie. We are so blessed to have two beautiful children.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Always Weighing on My Mind

I'm feeling kind of sad tonight. My husband and I want another baby so badly, but it seams we will never be in a financial position for it to happen. I try to remain optimistic, but as the time passes and we keep struggling I find it more and more difficult. When do I have to let this go?

Today, while we were on our road trip to deliver the bed, my husband said he wished he had a daughter. It's rare that he really talks about his desire to have another child. It's not about a daughter, though we would both like to have a little girl.

We are surrounded by people who don't realize what they have. So many don't know how precious a gift their children really are. I get so angry and frustrated at the unfairness of who gets to be parents and who doesn't. I used to half joke that crack must be a potent fertility drug.

We gave up everything to have Jamie and now we struggle a lot with money. I try not to get depressed about it. I would do it all over again to have him. Occasionally I get bogged down and really do feel sorry for myself, though. It's not fair that we had to mortgage the house to have a baby when there are people doing drugs and having babies, throwing babies in the trash, neglecting and abusing their precious babies, etc.

I am angry and sometimes I'm entitled to be angry. At one time I was angry so much that it consumed my life. Now Jamie is here and he consumes my life. Sometimes I still want more. Family and friends often tell me that I should be grateful for the one I have. They have no idea what it is to be grateful for a child like I do. I've never been so grateful for anything in my whole life. That doesn't mean that I don't have the right to long for my dream of a larger family.

This is always weighing heavy on my heart and is always on my mind. I don't feel quite complete. I feel like I am broken and my body won't perform it's most primal of functions. Why is my heart and my mind built to want children so badly, but my body is built to destroy them?

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