This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son, Jamie. This blog is a combination of everything, whether it may be a new recipe I tried, a good freebie I found, something funny Jamie said, or feelings I'm having about life in general. There's little rhyme or reason. I'll never win any blogging awards, but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son. It's so easy to forget moments over the years. I've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them.

I called this blog Mother of Life, Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world. Truly, I feel the pains of loss, but you won't see too much of that here. I am blessed and I am, above all else, a mother of life.

After all the years of infertility and loss, Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy. We were pregnant with twins, but unfortunately, Baby A could not stay with us. Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie. We are so blessed to have two beautiful children.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Bystander

The girls, Brianna & Dynisha, used to come over to my house all the time, just because they enjoyed spending time with me. When Jamie was a baby we had to remove them, kicking and screaming. They just loved to play with him. That ended around his second birthday. I guess he stopped being so cute around that time.

We used to do things together and they just loved to talk to me. They loved having my undivided attention and respect. Now I feel like the only thing that brings them to my house is Internet access. I suppose that's normal. Dynisha still likes to talk to me, but she'd trade that for some computer time in a heart beat. Even Jamie is fighting for his "turn". Dynisha and Jamie will still trade the computer for a nice board game sometimes. Brianna generally wants to go home as soon as her computer time is up.

Brianna's grades have dropped really low. She doesn't care. Two D's didn't even phase her. Dare I say, she almost seems proud of them. I can't reach her at all anymore. Though Dynisha still does well in school, she's starting to avoid (and lie about having) homework. Are their futures already being flushed down the toilet at such a young age? My mother-in-law threatened to talk away Brianna's cell phone if she brought home bad grades, but she didn't follow through with that. Now it's "If you don't bring your grades up I'll take your cell phone."

I'm just a bystander in their lives now. I wish I could just let go and accept that I'm powerless to change things, but I can't. I always thought that Matthew and I would be the positive influences in their lives. I don't doubt that we are positive influences in their lives, but at this point, it does not make a bit of difference. I'm afraid we'll be positive influences that they look back on fondly as they wish they had made different choices in their lives.

I wonder if I'll eventually lose touch with Jamie in the same way. At least I'll have some control in his life. I can actually punish him if he refuses to do his homework. The whole idea, though, is not to have that need. I want him to enjoy his accomplishments, not just be forced to accomplish the most menial goals.

0 Remarks: