What Will He Think Of Me When He Is Grown?

Sometimes I wonder what my son will say about me when he grows up. Will he look upon his childhood with fondness? I work very hard to make sure that he will, but you just never know. What will his first memory be? Will it be making pancakes in the kitchen with Mommy or will it be some time that I punished him? Will he have more positive memories than negative memories? I wonder what characteristics about me that he will hate. I wonder what he will cherish. Will he be ashamed of me? Will he care what I think? I know he will never be able to doubt I love him, at least not for long. I tell him a million times a day. I hug and kiss him too much, but I can't help it. I crave hugs and kisses from him with an urgency that is as strong as a drug addict needs his drug. There are no more beautiful words then "I love you, Mommy." Will he ever stop telling me how much he loves me? Will he come to me with his problems? Will he trust me? Will he ever feel like he needs to lie to me?

Sometimes I obsess over my parenting flaws. I'm not very structured, which everyone says that Jamie needs. I try, but I'm just not a structured person and I can't seem to follow through with concrete routines for very long. Sometimes I raise my voice out of frustration. You don't know how relieved I was to hear his teacher raise her voice in the same way and pop out with several of the phrases that I find myself routinely using. It's comforting to know that other mothers are responding in the same way. I don't have much experience with good mothers to pattern my behaviors by. I doubt my own instincts sometimes.

I still check on him many times a night, just as I have since he was born. I watch him sleep. I check to make sure he's breathing. I softly kiss his head. I make sure he's covered up, dry, and warm. I don't think he'll ever be able to understand just how much I love him and cherish him. There just aren't adequate words to explain it. A few days ago I took a medication that made me sleepy. Matthew let me sleep and didn't wake me before he took Jamie to the bus. Somehow I woke when he closed the front door and I was up fast. I didn't get to kiss Jamie and tell him I love him before school. I threw some clothes on fast and ran up the street just as the bus was coming to a stop. My pants were trying to fall down, but I had to get there before he got on the bus. I must have looked utterly ridiculous, an overweight woman running, hair crazy, holding onto her pants. I got my kiss and we exchanged "I love you" despite the fact that he was fussing because Daddy didn't let him push the button on the seat belt.

In some ways I am so excited to see the man that he will become. In other ways I wish that I could stop time (or even rewind it) and keep things just as they are right now.