This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son, Jamie. This blog is a combination of everything, whether it may be a new recipe I tried, a good freebie I found, something funny Jamie said, or feelings I'm having about life in general. There's little rhyme or reason. I'll never win any blogging awards, but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son. It's so easy to forget moments over the years. I've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them.

I called this blog Mother of Life, Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world. Truly, I feel the pains of loss, but you won't see too much of that here. I am blessed and I am, above all else, a mother of life.

After all the years of infertility and loss, Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy. We were pregnant with twins, but unfortunately, Baby A could not stay with us. Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie. We are so blessed to have two beautiful children.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Strawberry Pie

I’ve probably blogged about Shoney’s strawberry pie before, but I’ll refresh your memory. Matthew’s family always met at Shoney’s for Mother’s Day. Now Shoney’s is not my favorite place to eat. In fact, in our pre-baby days we hardly ever ate there by choice. We were never buffet people. Now we know the value of an all you can eat buffet both for price and for selection when you never know what the little stinker will eat from one day to the next. I’m getting away from my story, though. When Matthew and I were trying to have a baby, Mother’s Day at Shoney’s was a particularly heinous kind of torture for me. No doubt that every person at the table would take their turn asking Matthew and I when we would have a baby. It didn’t matter that everyone was aware that we were undergoing infertility treatments. The meal would be concluded with free pieces of strawberry pie for all the mothers. As ridiculous as it is, somehow, the free Mother’s Day strawberry pies from Shoney’s became the symbol of my inability to have a baby. The first Mother’s Day after I gave birth to Jamie I couldn’t wait to go to Shoney’s. It was my turn to eat pie. Unexpectedly, Matthew’s family announced that we would be going to Red Lobster. We never went to Shoney’s on Mother’s Day again, but every Mother’s Day I think about that pie.

Matthew’s grandmother passed away a couple of years ago. Since then the family has not gone to eat together for Mother’s Day and this year we had no plans. Matthew let me sleep in and then I got up and did dishes and laundry. Same old, same old. Jamie had made cards and paper flowers for his grandmothers and we went to their respective houses to give them their gifts and then headed back home so I could fix dinner. I had chicken out to cook. When I opened the package it smelled funny. Though in date, the meat was no good. I fished around my cabinets and the refrigerator in search of a replacement. With no meat thawed and no time to thaw any, I took out a package of tri-color pasta to make noodles with veggies and cheese. I started the water on to boil when the phone rang. It was Matthew’s mother. “Have you already fixed dinner?” she asked. I told her about what happened and she said, “Good. We’re taking you to Shoney’s.” I was struck dumb for a moment, as silly as it sounds.

Pie. I am going to have the pie.

Dinner was pleasant. Jamie filled up on bread, but I didn’t concern myself with his nutritional deficits. The meal was done. The waitress came, “Can I get you anything else? Mother’s get free strawberry pie. Would you like one?” Yes. Yes. I would. This is it. This is the moment. The waitress comes right back with the pie and sits it in front of me. It holds no form. It is a piece of crust with sickening sweet strawberry goo and fat over-ripened strawberries. At any other moment I would find this desert to be less than appealing. Matthew has gone to the bathroom. I’m the only one at the table who knows what this moment means. I long to have my camera to take a picture of this pie, but I am out of luck. There is no camera to capture this momentous occasion. How could I have forgotten my camera?

I pick up my fork and cut a fat strawberry in half along with the crust under it. My grandfather had craved these strawberry pies when he was dying of cancer. My parents had brought them home at least once a week. He loved them. My grandmother loved them. I took the bite. It was perhaps the worst pie I have ever eaten. The strawberries were bitter and the goo too rich. I still ate every bite. The years of longing disappeared. I glanced at my baby, now just three months shy of being a five year old boy. Why had this disgusting pie held such meaning to me for so long when the very thing it symbolized had disappeared nearly five years before? I hope we go to Red Lobster next year.

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