Dying Dreams

Matthew and I were watching a television special about a family with 17 kids (not the Duggers). At some point in the show one of the kids said something about it being nice to have brothers and sisters because you always have someone to fall back on. I wasn't paying attention to it and missed this sentiment altogether, but Matthew became misty eyed. He told me a little while later that he wished he could give that to Jamie. We never wanted 17, but we had dreamed of a large family.

A large family is not in the cards for us. We have many babies in Heaven, but only the one on Earth and it is very likely to remain that way. It makes me very sad and sometimes I just get angry at this body of mine. We have lost so much due to my body. We lost our chance for a large family, our financial security, and all the little things that come with both.

I was at my mother-in-law's house the other day and my husband's aunt asked me for the millionth time if we were going to have anymore. I said that I doubted we would. She said, "Good. God didn't intend for you to have babies. You'll probably die if you have anymore." I'm so tired of hearing crap like that. It really pisses me off. I'm tired of people telling me what God means and God wants. I've read it in magazines. I've heard it in so many different forms from so many different people. They just need to stop.